Sunday, April 29, 2012

No more advise, please.


Her Space Holiday can instantly put me right back into 10th grade. Even if it's a song that wasn't around then. Just hearing those same voices and flow and there I am.

Lately I've been conflicted with making post-graduation plans. On one hand, I truly am not freaking out about it like everyone else around me seems to be doing. Yet, I'm somewhat worried that this laid back attitude is going to be a problem. I don't normally have a laid back attitude about planning....ever. Last week I spoke with my thesis advisor, and he was really encouraging me to keep graduation school in my future plans, and that I should really aim high with professional aspirations. I suppose I should be flattered that all of the faculty and graduate students that I've worked with in any academic setting in the last 4 or 5 years have been very adamant that I have strong skills and unique ideas and thought processes and that it would be a waste to stop after undergraduate. But sometimes I just want to tell them to stop. Unless they plan on each throwing in a few thousand dollars so that I can afford a 40k Master's and __k PhD, then the advice might have to go unused. It's frustrating to be graduating from one of the best universities in the country and yet my income will still be a problem for quite some time.

Only six more weeks of school. It may be the last time I'm ever a student, or I may have eight more. Who knows...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

3am

There's something about sleeping.

Well, to be more accurate, there has always been something about sleeping.

When I was in high school my problem was that I just couldn't do it, period. I had to completely exhaust myself until my limbs would feel glued to the ground and my eyes had the sting of an unnecessary all nighter so that I could finally fall asleep at 3pm after school and sleep until my body forced me into the unfortunate awake position yet again. I hated being awake. When I was at home, I felt that I wasn't allowed to feel upset because somehow there was a story that everyone gave me that I was somehow the lucky one and any complaint or hint at a deeper seeded issue was met with an eye roll. Obviously I wasn't deserving of depression. I had nothing to be depressed about. That was the feedback I was accustomed to. This made me want to sleep, yet sleep was the only thing I couldn't have. If I set my mind to anything else, I could have it with enough hard work or determination, but the thing I wanted the most? Unobtainable.

Then for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I just started sleeping. Sleeping normally, even. Not only was I able to fall asleep at night, but I was able to just close my eyes and within minutes, every time, I was sound asleep. It's been a few years like that. And man, it has been amazing. If you have never experienced sleep problems, then you couldn't imagine how fucking horrible they are. And the thing is, you can't really tell anyone you have sleep problems. Because when you tell someone, "I couldn't sleep last night," their reply is somewhere along the lines of, "oh my goodness, me too, I swear I slept like, an hour last night." What they don't realize is that their exaggeration was met with the unfortunate truth from you. Everyone thinks they have insomnia when they really just had too much caffeine one day; insomnia is a common word to see on Facebook in the early morning hours of any given day of the week.

You want to hear something silly? Sometimes, in the midst of these years of normal sleeping, I would go back to a few hours of sleep a night on purpose. It was my own well hidden manner of punishing myself. Sleep deprivation does wonders for the self-esteem, let me tell you. Sometimes I would stay up all night to 'get some work done,' but really it was because a friend had inadvertently made me feel worthless that day. Or, I would set my alarm for a few hours after I went to bed 'on accident,' but really I wanted to spend the next day in that state that I was so comfortable in. I wanted to walk to my classes in that hazy vision that only a lack of sleep provides just right.

I'm scared I'm slipping back into my old patterns. Except this time, I'm not doing it on purpose. And I keep blaming it on the things that everyone else should be blaming it on - I drank too much caffeine, I took a nap, I slept a lot last night, I shouldn't have watched tv before bed - but, the excuses only go so far. I'm trying to not be too vocal about it. It's awkward telling the person you sleep next to every night that most days you wake up at 6am for a few hours, wondering if it's possible to will this back into your head: "this is not happening again, no, no, no, please no." Secret? It's not possible. At least, not if this week has taught me anything.

Perhaps it's a passing phase. It wouldn't be the first time. It's slipped back a few times and then left just as quickly. But, then again, maybe it's not. Maybe it was those few years of waking up feeling this strange 'rested' emotion was in fact the phase. I suppose we'll see.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Now What?

I wrote a musical. Chris wrote the music. It's a comedy musical about a guy who graduates and moves back home and then meets up with a bunch of his high school friends, who, sure enough, aren't doing anything either.

 I'm really proud of it. It's funny, it's creative, it's unique and it's a solid piece of work. It's nice to have something to be proud of when there's been so much these last 7 months that have made me question everything about myself.

 I think about my progress in the last 7 months and I wonder if it's enough. Am I on schedule to become my own self soon? Or am I far more behind than I thought? It's extremely hard to tell most days. Some days I think about how well composed I can stay when talking about it and think that I've come really far, and then other days the smallest thing will make me take 2 big steps back and it makes me insecure as to if there's really been any progress at all.

 7 weeks until graduation. I suppose that should scare me, but I honestly just want to get it over with.