Saturday, September 24, 2011

Writing this from my phone...

...I guess that's what this has come to.

The circle of people I could trust has gotten do much smaller in the last week - which is strange, because youd think this should just be between me and one other person. But instead it's changed me and the way I think forever. I'll never be able to trust as freely, Ill never be comfortable with who I am the way I was before. Everything was different before This. Everything changed because of This.

I'm going to have to simplify everything in my life, this year. I just can't handle everything that I could before. I used to be so proud of that before, too. I was proud of a lot of things, though. When I thought about what this year would be, I used to be so optimistic. I knew it would be amazing and I would be able to do it all, because I always have. Theres been so many time that something difficult or challenging has happened and it just propelled me to work harder, to do more and to make everything else in my life better to make up for it. But This Time is different. This Time the only thing I can do is make sure I wake up. Make sure I dont give up. It would be so much easier to just make it stop at this point.

Ive always been such a big advocator of possible self talk. Telling myself I can do it, I can make it work, I can get through this. This is the first time I haven't even tried. Because this time I know it won't. I'm in a lose-lose situation right now and all I can do is pick the path with the least pain. But what if I can't be okay, even with the better path?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

that moment when your life changes forever

if i'm sure of anything, it's that i've never hurt this bad. fuck any bad feeling i had in the last four months. it doesn't compare. it's a feeling so many people experience in some way, and i never thought it would hurt this badly. it's a bad sign that more than anything i just want to fucking be done with it. i'm so done getting this shit i don't deserve. my biggest goal of europe was to gain some feeling of self worth and finally start to believe that i deserved some good things to be thrown my way. it's been one of my biggest problems my entire life. and here i was starting to actually think there was some value deep in me somewhere, only for life to push me down further than i've ever been. i want to drag myself back to the top, to maybe see a shred of light that i started to see as my days overseas grew fewer - but i just don't know if i have the strength to do it. i feel like i'm being told to climb to the top, but first someone cut off my legs, but i was still climbing pretty high so they cut off my arms, too. fuck it. because now? now, after i worked so hard to be able to say "yeah, i guess i'm alright"? worthless. that's all that remains.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

mormon blogs, the secular left, hypocrisy and women's standards

I stumbled upon an interesting article quite a while ago in which a, "standard-issue late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminist" admits to obsessing over "Mormon housewife blogs," despite the fact that she has no interest in living that life herself. While I actually enjoyed the article quite a bit, especially her openminded take on it, it was the comments section that completely disgusted me. It took approximately minutes of the article's existence for athiests and liberal lefties around the interweb to come out ready to lash out insults and horrific stereotypes of Mormons. Their comments, of course, read as if they have personal experience, although no doubt their only sources are other blog posts and stories heard from fellow liberal friends.

I have to question why it has become so acceptable to discriminate against religious people, especially those with more fundamental views or those who are a part of a more controversial religion such as Mormonism. Perhaps the Mormon church does encourage (subtly or otherwise) women to stay at home and raise children - in fact, I don't think anyone argues that point in itself. But it's only modern secular society that tells us that a women staying at home and raising children, instead of making her career her first priority, is a foolish and unintelligent thing to do.

Furthermore, I would argue that women who are a part of the "standard-issue late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminist" group feel just as much, if not more pressure to conform to their own set of stands. While I myself can't exactly group myself in that category (standard, early-20, religiously unsure how to categorize myself, feminist with a liberal education would be more accurate in my case), I know I can already feel the pressures from my own societal group to conform to certain ideals. Religion bashing has become a hobby to so many in secular, Western culture, yet we - us who do not attach a religious title on our facebooks or attend church on sundays - are just as guilty of conforming to norms despite our own personal beliefs. It is not only unfortunte, but it's disgracefl to judge others when we're guilty of the same things ourselves. I would like to ironically use Matthew 7:3 to further my point by adding, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Hypocrisy is not a pretty trait in anyone, religious or otherwise.

While I would like to think that I have a wide variety of friends with varying views, I would also openly admit that more of my friends tend to be similarly thinking to myself; after all, this is a natural thing to happen, it makes sense that I would seek out people with whom I share similar values and beliefs. They're typically proud democrats with liberal viewpoints on most social issues, and the larger majority of them have either very open minded religious views, with most abstaining from any particular religious title, but preferring to call themselves 'spiritial', (the obsession with the latest generation and that word alone deserves its own blog post) or nonreligious. Yet I know that if I were to sit down to dinner with the most liberal and nonreligious of these friends and tell them that once I graduated from UCLA I wanted to settle down with, get married and immediately start having children and stay at home to raise them, I would be met with fierce opposition and insults to my intelligence and sanity. In fact, I don't know if I would have the support of any single person I know and I would presume that most would ACTIVELY work to change my mind. Yet does anyone devote their time to talking about the brainwashing of the secular world and their values and ideals? No. That would be absurd. Because they're surely not brainwashing...right? They're just forcing standards upon all women to feel highly pressured to get an absurd amount of education, wait until their late twenties or thirties to get married, only to delve further into their education, then, if time and biology permits, to have a child or two (maximum...never more than two, God forbid) to immediately enroll in daycare so that you can continue climbing in your advertising career, devote little time to your family since you and your husband are both working 60 plus hours a week, let your marriage become detached, possibly divorce and then let your children move away to college while you're too busy typing up a memo for your boss to throw them a graduation party. But, on the bright side, you can afford a nice home with the two incomes you earned during your married years and your 7 years in grad school made you obscenely capable of analyzing classic literature.

Surely that is a huge stereotype is there ever was one, but I would venture to say it's a truer stereotype of the general masses than the stereotype that all Mormon women marry at the age of 20 and start their careers as housewives immediately following, baking cupcakes and crafting by day and worshipping their husbands by night. Yes, the secular world loves to point out the failures and downfalls and brainwashing of religious groups, yet vehemently denies its own. Maybe these liberal feminists should put down their Virginia Wolfe and stop listening to Ani DeFranco before bombarding insults at anyone who dare get advice or guidance out of a religious text.

For anyone who wishes to read the original article that sparked my rant: