Tuesday, May 31, 2011

when even vegas isn't enough

well, apparently even vegas wasn't a big enough distraction for me right now.
on the last night i was heaving into becca's arms with my face drenched and warm from an endless stream of tears.

two finals tomorrow. i'm not ready for either.

seven more days until i'm done with my last final.

twenty-six more days until i leave for paris.



fuck.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

triggers

it's amazing how the smallest of things can act as a trigger. maybe it has something to do with the fact that everything bad happened all at once, so pretty much any area of my life can be a triggering point. i pulled an all-nighter tonight to finish this stupid fucking paper that i've been putting off, and about an hour ago around 5:30am i just fucking broke down in the bathroom. even as i was a heaving mess on the bathroom floor, all i could say to myself was "you're pathetic." i really used to pride myself on holding it all together - because i didn't just hold myself together on the outside, but i held myself together on the inside, too. i was stable, i always got everything done just as efficiently as ever and i had plenty of excess energy to use on others as i've always done. now i can't even meet my own needs, and it's fucking pathetic. a large majority of my pitiful amount of energy i do have is spent searching for distractions. this will be the first weekend that i'll be spending the entirely of it at the apartment, and i honestly don't know what i'm going to do. i now have literally zero resources to go find or buy myself any distractions, as i can't even afford gas in my car. i'm literally scared to do nothing. god, even as i'm writing this i'm cringing, so i can't even imagine reading it from an outsider's perspective.

fuck. i need to stop writing in this thing.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

complaincomplaincomplain

i wish i could say i knew it'd be this hard.

but i can't.

i've become pretty much useless in the area of academia.
i've become surprisingly useful in areas such as escapism, and escaping literally, via going to san diego every weekend.

when i have been doing the readings for class, they've been amazing relevant to my areas of interest. it makes me excited to join the peace corps, and go to grad school and build a career doing something i'm passionate about. i guess daydreaming about my future has been another form of escaping, though. because heaven knows, all of those things are far into the future.

however, the short term future is looking pretty amazing, if i can just skip these next five weeks. 38 days and i'll be in paris. one month in paris, followed by one month in amsterdam and germany with becca, kate and paulina, then one month of traveling to ten other cities by myself. i'm hoping this will turn out to be just what i'm needed.

Monday, May 9, 2011

he knows his shit

"When I'm sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead."
Barney Stinson

beautiful letdown

after posting a video of "bruised" and saying it was in my top three list of memory inducing songs, rickie asked what the other two were. hands down was one of them, without a doubt, but i had a hard time deciding if beautiful letdown or the way i am; i went with the latter. only because typing the song title out, let alone playing or thinking about it is enough to induce tears.

this weekend i was with two close friends in their kitchen and when i threw out a few comments about how i've been feeling, they claimed it was "awkward" to talk about. i was surprised at how bad i felt hearing that.

i guess i was expecting people to just understand how painful this has been and is going to continue to be, but instead people just assume that two weeks is enough time to be okay again. it's amazing how badly my friends read me sometimes. i don't blame them, but it's still surprising. i just wish that i could be with a friend and have them look at me and say "i know that you feel completely empty inside, and that it's not getting easier each day like everyone said it would. i understand how hard it is to never know if you made the right decision. you feel like shit all the time and that's OKAY." but instead we just joke around like always and drink and be merry and live life like nothing happened. again, i truly don't blame anyone. i haven't been expressing how difficult it's been - but i honestly don't know how i would possibly do that. how do you tell everyone that you can't let your mind wander for a minute, or you risk bursting out into a sob in your bathroom? how do you tell everyone that nothing feels the same anymore? i guess i'll never know; i guess i'll just write blogs about it.