Wednesday, April 27, 2011

waiting

still waiting to feel normal again. i keep repeating cliches in my head to make myself feel better: one day at a time; time heals all wounds; everything happens for a reason; if it's meant to be, it'll be; everything always works out for the best. yet, as soon as a new cliche pops into my mind, i instantly hurl a mental 'fuck you' at it and continue on with my moping. i figure i'm allowed to have a significant moping period - right?

the shittiest part of this whole thing is that there are no hard feelings and there's nothing but support coming from both of us. at the end of the day we had to decide between completely working our futures around the other person and changing our dreams, or following our other goals first. i hate that it was still the hardest decision of my entire life. and i hate that we're both doing this with such great goals in our minds, too. i mean, for goodness' sake, all i want in my life is to help people. that's all i've ever wanted, and i'm carving my entire future around making the biggest impact possible. yet, where is the reward? so far, the first step in that future has brought me the worst feelings i've ever experienced in my entire life. as much as everyone claims that good things happen to good people, my faith in that motto continues to dwindle. perhaps twenty years on the earth isn't long enough to make a firm judgement, but as much as i'd love to call myself an optimist, i'm far from it.

maybe there will be light at the end of the tunnel. then again, fuck all of these cliches, whether they turn out to be true or not.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

insert lyrics here



this song intrigued me the first time i heard about it. normally when you hear a song like this one, where the chorus is repeating the line "fall face first, hit rock bottom," you'd expect some tear inducing verses and mellow beat. instead it's a happy beat that makes you want to hop in the car and dance and enjoy yourself.

i'm trying to make that my attitude for the remainder of this school year. ucla and all that has accompanied it definitely isn't the hardest thing i've had to get through - i don't even know if it'd make the top 10 - but it's definitely the newest experience when you take the whole lifestyle change as a whole. life has crept up all the way from san diego and my past is leaking into my present in ways that i wish it hadn't, the present is overwhelming in all that it demands, and my future is a constant reminder that i have to pull off perfection this next year.

now that i've been living in los angeles for 10 months already, i know that i saw this move in the wrong light. i thought that coming to los angeles would mean that all i had to worry about was myself and that i could finally have a completely fresh start. well, not only has that been completely false, but i'm glad that it has. so many people that i've spoken to have no interest in returning home for winter break or ever, for that matter, and really haven't kept the majority of their friendships that they had in their home towns. i consider myself lucky that the many of my friendships in san diego have actually grown since i've moved, and i'm always excited and enthusiastic to come home. i may never live in san diego again, or i may end up living there when i graduate ucla, but it doesn't matter, because if this move has taught me anything it's that relationships are what you put into them. if they're worth it, then they'll work out, and that's really the bottom line.

Monday, April 4, 2011

still filling that role

well, i'm still on a search to find the balanace of the "glue" role i'm consistently finding myself in.

i've predicting that my favorite part of europe is going to be the dance clubs. not even for the drinking or partying, but for the actual dancing. it's a little absurd how happy i am after a few solid hours of dancing. there's very few times that i feel more relaxed, even if it means waking up with sore legs.

tonight i drank a bottle of sparking wine - which i've since been told is a stereotypical whore drink, who knew? - while reading and writing about different methods of furthering the development in sub-saharan africa.

life's been throwing a lot of curve balls, but i feel like i've been catching them fairly well. i'm always at this personal crossroads where i don't know if i want to congratulate myself or tell myself what a shitty job i did. this week i'm striving to do the former.