Friday, August 6, 2010
ever since i visited home, all i do is worry. i sit and worry that by the time i visit home again, everything will have changed and i will have lost it all to memory. it scares the shit out of me. and i just don't know how to make that fear go away. i used to turn here or there, days, months or years ago but now every resource i would have once turned to has dissolved to dust between my fingertips. at night the only way i can fall asleep soundly (without my heart beating out of my chest) is to close my eyes tightly and try to think of anything but the one only things my mind wants to close upon.
it's all falling apart, and here i am in los fucking angeles only worrying about myself and paying the bills and my shallow problems. everything i thought i'd always have to fall back on, and it's falling in on top of itself. fuck, man. i feel like i'm sixteen years old again, crying in some ridiculous sand ditch 40 feet away from toni, brittany and i's bon fire because i had just found out my parents are getting separated - except this time i could only wish that was the whole story.
i know these last few posts have not been my keeping with my usual attitude, but it's been hard to keep up a sunny disposition even on this stupid blog that only a handful of you read. i figure if i keep it up with 99.8% of the people i know, then the .2% who will ever read even a single entry on here will just have to take the fall. sorry, guys.