Thursday, July 29, 2010
i spent tuesday and wednesday in san diego. my expectations were friends, family and nothing but good times. while there were without a doubt some amazing memories made, more than anything the two days were filled with bad news after bad news. i learned three separate things specifically that made my insides crumble. driving home to los angeles last night at two in the morning, i wanted to just break down. there was nothing holding me together except the knowledge that in a few hours i would be home in a city where i could at least leave some of my worries at the door. every year it seems like bad events surround my birthday. this year, my parents decided to keep some of the bad news a secret from me until my birthday had passed so i wouldn't have to worry about it, but unfortunately i found out on accident. tomorrow i'll be twenty, and while it's supposed to be a celebration, it will be really difficult to enjoy it.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
i woke up at 7:30 this morning, because i'm in training for waking up at 4am this monday and tuesday. now i'm munching on oatmeal with cinnamon, with yo la tengo in the background (haven't listened to them in ages!) while i wait for the clock to direct me to leave for work. lately when i've been trying to fall asleep i've been wondering whether i'll make stronger or weaker friendships than the ones i've been making at home these last two years. sometimes it scares me that that was the best i'll ever have, and sometimes i snap out of it and realize it's all up to me.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
when i woke up this morning, i felt an unusually large amount of good vibes being sent my way from the universe. for some unknown reason i was sure that no matter what happens in the next month, year or decade that i'll get my chance to give life all i've got.
i'm going to be working mostly mornings at work from now on (many of which start at 5am...oh man!), and today i got my first real experience working on the register for the entire shift. i know that most people hate any and all jobs involving customer service, but i love it. sure, there are some mr. grumpy pants' wherever you go in life, but the joy that i get from a well received smile or compliment more than make up for it. knowing that i've added a few more moments of happiness into anyone's days allows me to walk away happy, even if the shift was exhausting or frustrating.
the other night i was closing and had a latte with only two shots of espresso in it and i couldn't get to sleep until 4am. i felt like a 13-year-old who had her first mike's hard lemonade.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
photo via weheartit.com
i feel like there's a part of me that isn't ready to let go of san diego completely. on one hand, i suppose there's no reason i have to let go of san diego completely - i mean, it's still my home and it will always be where my roots lie. yet, there's a part of me that knows i'll be better off if i just let go now.
being at my new job these last five days has made me realize that it's completely up to me whether i want to limit myself and my possibilities by holding back, or just open myself up completely to the new people and opportunities in los angeles and grab at every chance i get. los angeles can be everything i never had the chance to have in san diego, but more importantly it's a fresh start; it's a place where i don't have to accept mediocracy and i don't have to deal with everything being just "okay". i can demand more here, and so far that's exactly what i've been doing.
though, the biggest reason i feel like i can't let go of san diego completely is because i feel like i'd be betraying everyone who i love there. as pessimistic as it sounds out loud (though i believe it to fully believe it to be true) people don't want to know you're happy and that you've moved on: they want you to be sad and upset and missing them, or else they feel replaceable and ordinary. even though i do miss our friends and the comforts of home, more than anything i want to be able to tell them how great we're doing without feeling a tinge of guilt when i say it.
also? five days on the job and i already have a slight addiction to vanilla lattes. uh oh.
anyone who knows me knows that i am quite loud, quite outgoing and can frequently be quite obnoxious given the right circumstances. however, there are times when certain settings can make me the exact opposite: i'm slow to open up, talk to anyone, share my opinions or share my sense of humor.
the circumstances always vary, but there's only been two different times when i've felt that this weird shyness that only occurs in certain settings has had a negative effect on my life. one of those was at la vida. it took me at least six months before i began truly talking and having casual conversations with everyone at work, and even then i wasn't all that talkative and nearly no one knew i had such a sarcastic sense of humor. six freaking months! in most areas of my life, it'd be hard to go six minutes around me before getting a good grasp at how absurd, silly and sarcastic i am. and really, it took a good year before i became fully comfortable being myself at work and sharing my true personality with everyone.
so, i thought, maybe it's work situations that i get this weird shyness. but as my new job has proven, that certainly isn't the case as i came straight into work with my personality on full blast and i'm certain that almost everyone i've worked with in the first four days of work knows what they're getting with me.
the other setting that gets me in this weird, super shy and quiet mode? around chris' family. every time i'm with them, whether it's with just his parents, his entire family, or another member of his family on their own, i just cannot be myself. now, i have a few suspicions as to why this is, but i'm truly not all that sure why i clam up so much around them. for example, yesterday chris and i were at dinner with two of his aunts, and his grandma; i have already met all of them, and know one of his aunts fairly well, yet i barely uttered a few sentences the entire dinner. the weird part is, it's not as if i just don't WANT to join in and be my normal self - all throughout dinner i was sitting there listening to the conversation and trying to think of how i could contribute, but my mind just will not function in aiding my conversational skills when i'm around them. and it's not like i just don't have anything in common with them, because i have a lot less in common with many of the other people i meet on a daily basis, yet i can still joke around and make conversation with all of them. and on top of that, it's not even nerves either! nerves went away years ago, and i truly feel very comfortable around his family, yet my personality remains locked inside. it's one of the most frustrating things that occurs on a regular basis and i absolutely cannot snap out of it. i'm hoping this will fade with time, but man, i just don't know.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
there's one situation where i'm most susceptible to breaking down and crying: whenever i'm driving by myself late at night and the music is on loud, sometimes in my body tells my mind that i can let go and let whatever emotion i'm hiding come out. of course, sometimes this results in smiling that cannot be contained, or sometimes it's worry or excitement, etc., but every now and then i will be driving and the music is pulsing through my blood and something clicks and i just break down in tears. i will just absolutely BREAK. this song is one of the songs that makes me especially susceptible.
Monday, July 5, 2010
no matter how many times i try, i've never succeeded in a picture where i'm flipping my hair and the photo doesn't snap right before or after the flip. blasted hair.
i suppose this is going to be another post in which the photo doesn't match the content. this weekend everyone from san diego came up and stayed in chris and i's apartment for jordan's birthday celebration. i'm sure i'll make a lengthy post about it, but for now all i can say is that it was a lot of fun and it made me think a lot.
my new employer called me today and i'm starting my training tomorrow and in the next six days i will have worked 30 hours! some of the things i'm most excited for?
1) i get to wear jeans and a t-shirt to work everyday (downside? another apron.) this is such a huge upgrade from the awful uniform i had to work at la vida that i nearly couldn't contain my smile when i read the uniform requirements.
2) the manager specifically noted that out of the 6 branches she's worked at, this was the only one with absolutely no drama and she intends to keep it that way. thank goodness! this was music to my ears, especially when she said that everyone hangs out and is friends outside of work. it's going to be nice to meet new people in los angeles.
3) shifts that are longer than 3.5 hours! and the shifts won't be the same hours day after day! that was one of the most irritating things at my last job, and while it obviously won't be an exciting aspect of the job everyday, it will be an exciting change in the beginning!
as soon as i get my first paycheck, i intend to head for the grocery store and buy lots of fresh foods so i can cook REAL dinners, instead of pre-made ones. strangely enough, cooking is something that i've been most looking forward to, yet the idea of getting excited about cooking never crossed my mind before we moved.
Friday, July 2, 2010
i think it's important that when i start building friendships in los angeles, that i make a habit to have REAL conversations with people. when i think about the friends that i spend the most time with, there's only a handful of that that i ever get past face value with. for the most part, my daily conversations stick within making jokes, talking about events or other people, or if one of us is having a bad day, complaining - how horrible is that! the thing about the way you talk to your friends is that it's a habit just like anything else, and i want to make sure that when i make a new friend, that they get used to the idea that we're not just going to sit down and gossip or complain, we're going to freaking talk about something!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
my breakfast this morning! granola and strawberry cheesecake yogurt. yummy!
the fact that i hated yogurt a month ago, but after much forcing myself to eat it, i can actually enjoy 90% of yogurt flavors - plain is still growing on me.
we finally have a coffee table and that is very exciting. although, because the one we wanted was taking so long to stock in ANY of the ikeas within an hour's distance, we went for one that was slightly different, but i'm still excited to get rid of the cardboard boxes we've been using these last two or so weeks.
i'm turning in the last of my paperwork for my new barista job today, which means i'll be starting work soon. i can't wait to meet my future coworkers and start earning an income again.
everyone from spring valley is coming up to los angeles this weekend for jordan's birthday and it's going to be a great time, i'm sure.