Monday, May 31, 2010

things i am excited for - moving out edition

exploring los angeles

sharing my residence with the first lover (cat) and close second lover (chris)

the most wonderful, simple, white duvet cover. ever.

walking around the house naked without worry of awkward encounter with parents or siblings

cooking with fresh foods in our tiny kitchen

sharing a bed

laundry ( i don't know, i just really like doing laundry sometimes )

getting to surprise chris with breakfast in bed

having company over

extravagant dinners featuring non-extravagant foods

meeting new, lovely people to have adventures with

beginning my new goal to start running and possibly do a triathlon

oh, so much more!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

an issue i've brought up before

my world is moving so fast, that sleep deprivation is actually happening on accident this time.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

anxious, and disappointed

i haven't begun to have mixed feelings about moving to los angeles until recently. my mixed feelings don't come from not wanting to go: those aren't the feelings whatsoever. instead, the mixed feelings have sprung from the reaction, or lack thereof, of the people around me.

the biggest reaction has surprisingly been from my friends and the residents at la vida. now, these people have been a big part of my life for a while now, and i have always considered them to be good friends. and it's from them that i feel like i'll be truly missed. they have made me feel so loved these last few days and weeks and i really appreciate it more than they know. throughout this whole process they've been so supportive and encouraging and i really needed that in my life.

however, from the friends that i've known for years and have previously spent every day with? them, i haven't heard a peep. they knew more than anyone else how important berkeley was to me. they knew how much i was leaning on that acceptance letter to get me through this shit that i've been living through these last few months. and when they found out i didn't get in i didn't get any texts from them, i didn't get any calls and i didn't get any "hey, let me take you out to lunch" 's. nothing. it hurt. it hurt, a lot. but what's hurt even more is that now that they all know that i'm moving in less than three weeks they still haven't said a word. none of the friends that i have considered some of the best in my life have expressed any real interest in seeing me before i leave, except for a very select few. once again, it hurts. and it still hurts and i expect that it will hurt until i leave. i feel like i constantly spend so much energy and time and resources to make someone's day when something bad happens in their life, or they have a birthday, or something to celebrate or something to cry about that when my turn comes to cry on someone's shoulder that i want my fucking turn. is a going away celebration so much to ask for? is a phone call saying "amy, i know it fucking sucks you didn't get into berkeley after you tried your damn hardest for two fucking years, but how about i come over and i'll bring some ice cream and we can mope about it together?" where the fuck are they when i need my turn?

i'm not one to sit and talk about my personal life or the problems in my family and i'm not going to start now. so, i don't expect my friends to know exactly what's going on right now. but when they know for a fact that something that was thoroughly important to me (berkeley) ended up to be a huge disappointment, i expect at least minimal effort from someone else's part. i have gone through hell these last months trying to keep everything from falling apart. i have spent hours listening to x or y cry in my room at night and feel like there was nothing i could do to keep the walls of this family from falling down. i've worked so hard to do everything in my power to make everything okay, and when it wasn't, i tried harder. that has been my fucking LIFE for the last six months and all the while i've gotten up everyday and gone to class, gotten straight fucking a's and showed up to work with a smile on my face. i have a full schedule, one that would make most people stressed just getting by, but i somehow always find time for the people in my life when they need me. so, i apologize if i don't give a fuck what excuses my "best" friends have for being invisible when i need them the most. i know exactly what the first thing they'll say is, too. "well, we didn't know you needed us/we didn't know you were upset/we didn't know everything you were going through." but the fact of the matter is, you didn't need to. you didn't need to know the details to know how badly i was feeling when i didn't get into berkeley, you didn't need to know how many hours i spend every day making everyone else happy to know that i'm always there for you guys when you need me and to know that i needed someone at that moment. if even friends that i've hung out with five or six times could tell from a single facebook status that i was hurting and took the time to call me to make sure i was okay, then you could have at least called. you could have at least texted. you could have at least done something.

so, i guess in a way that makes it even easier to leave. if you would have asked me about my friends two months ago i would have told you that they love me and would do anything for me, but to realize now that that's only true when it's convenient or involves a fun activity, i feel almost silly for believing that the people around me cared as much as i did. it hurts and "actions speak louder than words" has never rang more true to me. i am greatly comforted by the fact that jordan will be in los angeles and attending ucla with chris and i. he is one person who has never been invisible whenever i needed someone and i have never felt a lack of concern from him in the years that we've known each other.

especially helpful throughout dealing with all of this have been: chris, of course, who is always so understanding and makes me feel as if everything in the world will turn out okay if i have you by my side. ambar, who i love so unbelievably much and your phone call (although it came when i was still balling my eyes out) really was one of the nicest and simple acts that anyone has done for me in a long time. your genuine concern and sincerity meant more than you could have possibly imagined. sisco, the only other person besides ambar to actually call me and deal with the issue up front. honestly, you get the biggest props for that and i really appreciated the effort. every time i see you you make me feel like i will be so missed and i love you dearly and am so glad you've been a part of my life this last year or so. and really all of my coworkers at vida! you guys are so encouraging and it's so fucking nice to know you guys care about chris and i. even though work can get crowded with drama and blahblahblah, you guys are like a second family to me and i want to emphasize once again how much i fucking love all of you. i cherish your friendships so much, and it's been great to know that when i go into work every day i could escape the outside craziness of my life and get paid at the same time! you guys are awesome and i'm going to miss all of the sexual innuendos, resident impersonations, dance parties and overall great memories with you all.

Friday, May 7, 2010

may seventh

it's may seventh today, and this time next month i might be... in los angeles, awaiting to be a student at ucla, sharing an apartment with chris and ninja, enjoying independence, having adventures with jordan, meeting new people, making new friends, finding a new job and absolutely and thoroughly enjoying life.