Friday, December 3, 2010

carry a piece of me

suffocate me;
push me to the limits of my body.
let's see how far i can stretch before
breaking into pieces, shattering around
your feet. don't step on the pieces,
you wouldn't want to tarnish your spotless steps.
carry of piece of me with you
everywhere you go,
i'll drag you down.


blogging has lost so much of its appeal lately. perhaps it's because i'm still in this strange middle ground in los angeles. i feel like on one hand i'm getting closer to some of my friends from home, moving drastically away from others, and all the while constantly meeting new people at ucla. it's as if all of these average together and create mush.

there's ten million things i'm excited for in the coming months, though! the mush feeling is quick to disappear when i remind myself of that: this quarter ending, big bear trip, winter break, home, christmas, a new quarter beginning, learning french, joining new on campus groups, and...

...europe trip 2011! that's right, ladies and gentlemen, i'll be going to europe! my major has a mandatory study abroad summer session and mine is going to be in paris. well, it just so happened that a friend of mine will also be in europe over the summer and us along with two others decided to turn it into a made for tv movie summer abroad! minus the pricey hotels and trade them in with REAL locals who can actually show us the non-tourist aspects of their country! i'm pretty stoked for clubbing in amsterdam, exploring different cultures, drinking beers in germany, celebrating my 21st birthday in a country where that means nothing and getting to know my trip-mates even better!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

crayola curse words

everyone says they wish
they could go back
to when times were simpler, and
all we had was hopscotch and monopoly,
all we needed was crayola for white paper
and bandaids for bruised knees

but imagine us now:
cussing out a 2nd grader when she tripped us,
because she fucked up our designer jeans, and
manipulating the seven-year-old boys
to pick you over stacey anderson for flag football.
no, no, that would not work at all. we can never
go back. because even in the simple days
we lost simple games of tic-tac-toe,
and we were just playing against eight year olds.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

in need of a routine change



boredom and my personality do not go well together in my life.

so far, my daily routine involves hanging around the house in pajamas, going to a job which i haven't truly been enjoying, and an occasional walk into westwood for one reason or another. of course there's days where i go out, or hang out with friends or do something similar, but it's just not what i was used to. before leaving san diego, i probably had more friends than i had ever had in my life, and there was always something to do or somewhere to go if i wanted to. and while this summer in los angeles has been already taught me so much, and was so incredibly useful in preparing for the school year, it's just hard to go from such a eventful and busy schedule, to a routine that can mostly be summed by deeming it "boring".

however, after sitting down with an empty day planner online in front of me, and filling in when i'll be in class and a projected idea of when i'll be working/going to the internship (assuming i get it or one with similar hours - which is likely) i can already tell this is going to be a tough adjustment. besides getting used to the much higher difficulty of classes, it's also going to be strange having to keep such a close eye on how much money i'm spending. the free time is going to be ridiculously minimal, and i just hope that i don't have the OPPOSITE problem that i'm having now. i've always been the type of person that fairs well with a busy schedule, but this will definitely top even the busiest that i had ever been before...

my mom is going to visit next weekend (since i might not be able to go home until thanksgiving) and the weekend after that i'm going to san francisco to visit liz and ambar and finally see the city, so that will definitely keep me busy until the quarter starts!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Friday, August 6, 2010

secret?



ever since i visited home, all i do is worry. i sit and worry that by the time i visit home again, everything will have changed and i will have lost it all to memory. it scares the shit out of me. and i just don't know how to make that fear go away. i used to turn here or there, days, months or years ago but now every resource i would have once turned to has dissolved to dust between my fingertips. at night the only way i can fall asleep soundly (without my heart beating out of my chest) is to close my eyes tightly and try to think of anything but the one only things my mind wants to close upon.

it's all falling apart, and here i am in los fucking angeles only worrying about myself and paying the bills and my shallow problems. everything i thought i'd always have to fall back on, and it's falling in on top of itself. fuck, man. i feel like i'm sixteen years old again, crying in some ridiculous sand ditch 40 feet away from toni, brittany and i's bon fire because i had just found out my parents are getting separated - except this time i could only wish that was the whole story.

i know these last few posts have not been my keeping with my usual attitude, but it's been hard to keep up a sunny disposition even on this stupid blog that only a handful of you read. i figure if i keep it up with 99.8% of the people i know, then the .2% who will ever read even a single entry on here will just have to take the fall. sorry, guys.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

two days at home



i spent tuesday and wednesday in san diego. my expectations were friends, family and nothing but good times. while there were without a doubt some amazing memories made, more than anything the two days were filled with bad news after bad news. i learned three separate things specifically that made my insides crumble. driving home to los angeles last night at two in the morning, i wanted to just break down. there was nothing holding me together except the knowledge that in a few hours i would be home in a city where i could at least leave some of my worries at the door. every year it seems like bad events surround my birthday. this year, my parents decided to keep some of the bad news a secret from me until my birthday had passed so i wouldn't have to worry about it, but unfortunately i found out on accident. tomorrow i'll be twenty, and while it's supposed to be a celebration, it will be really difficult to enjoy it.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

earlier than i'm used to



i woke up at 7:30 this morning, because i'm in training for waking up at 4am this monday and tuesday. now i'm munching on oatmeal with cinnamon, with yo la tengo in the background (haven't listened to them in ages!) while i wait for the clock to direct me to leave for work. lately when i've been trying to fall asleep i've been wondering whether i'll make stronger or weaker friendships than the ones i've been making at home these last two years. sometimes it scares me that that was the best i'll ever have, and sometimes i snap out of it and realize it's all up to me.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

customer service and life



when i woke up this morning, i felt an unusually large amount of good vibes being sent my way from the universe. for some unknown reason i was sure that no matter what happens in the next month, year or decade that i'll get my chance to give life all i've got.

i'm going to be working mostly mornings at work from now on (many of which start at 5am...oh man!), and today i got my first real experience working on the register for the entire shift. i know that most people hate any and all jobs involving customer service, but i love it. sure, there are some mr. grumpy pants' wherever you go in life, but the joy that i get from a well received smile or compliment more than make up for it. knowing that i've added a few more moments of happiness into anyone's days allows me to walk away happy, even if the shift was exhausting or frustrating.

the other night i was closing and had a latte with only two shots of espresso in it and i couldn't get to sleep until 4am. i felt like a 13-year-old who had her first mike's hard lemonade.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

"we're doing uhm...great!...er, i mean...just okay?"


photo via weheartit.com

i feel like there's a part of me that isn't ready to let go of san diego completely. on one hand, i suppose there's no reason i have to let go of san diego completely - i mean, it's still my home and it will always be where my roots lie. yet, there's a part of me that knows i'll be better off if i just let go now.

being at my new job these last five days has made me realize that it's completely up to me whether i want to limit myself and my possibilities by holding back, or just open myself up completely to the new people and opportunities in los angeles and grab at every chance i get. los angeles can be everything i never had the chance to have in san diego, but more importantly it's a fresh start; it's a place where i don't have to accept mediocracy and i don't have to deal with everything being just "okay". i can demand more here, and so far that's exactly what i've been doing.

though, the biggest reason i feel like i can't let go of san diego completely is because i feel like i'd be betraying everyone who i love there. as pessimistic as it sounds out loud (though i believe it to fully believe it to be true) people don't want to know you're happy and that you've moved on: they want you to be sad and upset and missing them, or else they feel replaceable and ordinary. even though i do miss our friends and the comforts of home, more than anything i want to be able to tell them how great we're doing without feeling a tinge of guilt when i say it.



also? five days on the job and i already have a slight addiction to vanilla lattes. uh oh.

just when i think i got past this shyness



anyone who knows me knows that i am quite loud, quite outgoing and can frequently be quite obnoxious given the right circumstances. however, there are times when certain settings can make me the exact opposite: i'm slow to open up, talk to anyone, share my opinions or share my sense of humor.

the circumstances always vary, but there's only been two different times when i've felt that this weird shyness that only occurs in certain settings has had a negative effect on my life. one of those was at la vida. it took me at least six months before i began truly talking and having casual conversations with everyone at work, and even then i wasn't all that talkative and nearly no one knew i had such a sarcastic sense of humor. six freaking months! in most areas of my life, it'd be hard to go six minutes around me before getting a good grasp at how absurd, silly and sarcastic i am. and really, it took a good year before i became fully comfortable being myself at work and sharing my true personality with everyone.

so, i thought, maybe it's work situations that i get this weird shyness. but as my new job has proven, that certainly isn't the case as i came straight into work with my personality on full blast and i'm certain that almost everyone i've worked with in the first four days of work knows what they're getting with me.

the other setting that gets me in this weird, super shy and quiet mode? around chris' family. every time i'm with them, whether it's with just his parents, his entire family, or another member of his family on their own, i just cannot be myself. now, i have a few suspicions as to why this is, but i'm truly not all that sure why i clam up so much around them. for example, yesterday chris and i were at dinner with two of his aunts, and his grandma; i have already met all of them, and know one of his aunts fairly well, yet i barely uttered a few sentences the entire dinner. the weird part is, it's not as if i just don't WANT to join in and be my normal self - all throughout dinner i was sitting there listening to the conversation and trying to think of how i could contribute, but my mind just will not function in aiding my conversational skills when i'm around them. and it's not like i just don't have anything in common with them, because i have a lot less in common with many of the other people i meet on a daily basis, yet i can still joke around and make conversation with all of them. and on top of that, it's not even nerves either! nerves went away years ago, and i truly feel very comfortable around his family, yet my personality remains locked inside. it's one of the most frustrating things that occurs on a regular basis and i absolutely cannot snap out of it. i'm hoping this will fade with time, but man, i just don't know.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

this song! so good! oi!




there's one situation where i'm most susceptible to breaking down and crying: whenever i'm driving by myself late at night and the music is on loud, sometimes in my body tells my mind that i can let go and let whatever emotion i'm hiding come out. of course, sometimes this results in smiling that cannot be contained, or sometimes it's worry or excitement, etc., but every now and then i will be driving and the music is pulsing through my blood and something clicks and i just break down in tears. i will just absolutely BREAK. this song is one of the songs that makes me especially susceptible.

Monday, July 5, 2010

hair flips are only meant for the movies.



no matter how many times i try, i've never succeeded in a picture where i'm flipping my hair and the photo doesn't snap right before or after the flip. blasted hair.

i suppose this is going to be another post in which the photo doesn't match the content. this weekend everyone from san diego came up and stayed in chris and i's apartment for jordan's birthday celebration. i'm sure i'll make a lengthy post about it, but for now all i can say is that it was a lot of fun and it made me think a lot.

my new employer called me today and i'm starting my training tomorrow and in the next six days i will have worked 30 hours! some of the things i'm most excited for?

1) i get to wear jeans and a t-shirt to work everyday (downside? another apron.) this is such a huge upgrade from the awful uniform i had to work at la vida that i nearly couldn't contain my smile when i read the uniform requirements.

2) the manager specifically noted that out of the 6 branches she's worked at, this was the only one with absolutely no drama and she intends to keep it that way. thank goodness! this was music to my ears, especially when she said that everyone hangs out and is friends outside of work. it's going to be nice to meet new people in los angeles.

3) shifts that are longer than 3.5 hours! and the shifts won't be the same hours day after day! that was one of the most irritating things at my last job, and while it obviously won't be an exciting aspect of the job everyday, it will be an exciting change in the beginning!


as soon as i get my first paycheck, i intend to head for the grocery store and buy lots of fresh foods so i can cook REAL dinners, instead of pre-made ones. strangely enough, cooking is something that i've been most looking forward to, yet the idea of getting excited about cooking never crossed my mind before we moved.

Friday, July 2, 2010

this picture does not relate to the subject matter whatsoever.



i think it's important that when i start building friendships in los angeles, that i make a habit to have REAL conversations with people. when i think about the friends that i spend the most time with, there's only a handful of that that i ever get past face value with. for the most part, my daily conversations stick within making jokes, talking about events or other people, or if one of us is having a bad day, complaining - how horrible is that! the thing about the way you talk to your friends is that it's a habit just like anything else, and i want to make sure that when i make a new friend, that they get used to the idea that we're not just going to sit down and gossip or complain, we're going to freaking talk about something!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Things I Love Thursday





my breakfast this morning! granola and strawberry cheesecake yogurt. yummy!

the fact that i hated yogurt a month ago, but after much forcing myself to eat it, i can actually enjoy 90% of yogurt flavors - plain is still growing on me.

we finally have a coffee table and that is very exciting. although, because the one we wanted was taking so long to stock in ANY of the ikeas within an hour's distance, we went for one that was slightly different, but i'm still excited to get rid of the cardboard boxes we've been using these last two or so weeks.

i'm turning in the last of my paperwork for my new barista job today, which means i'll be starting work soon. i can't wait to meet my future coworkers and start earning an income again.

everyone from spring valley is coming up to los angeles this weekend for jordan's birthday and it's going to be a great time, i'm sure.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

thanks a lot, eve.





at the moment, the only thing my mind is focused on is a distant fantasy of taking a knife and ripping out my uterus. oh, how lovely the dream seems in my head.

in other, less menstrual related news (i'm sure the male readers don't appreciate the period shout out, but if we have to suffer through it, you should be forced to listen to it, so, ha!), chris and i have a mission this month to only buy fresh foods. that's not to say we won't eat processed foods, because our kitchen is currently stocked 80% with processed foods after my mom bought us groceries this last weekend, but if we want to buy anything else during the month of july, it has to be fresh. we'll finally have a working oven as of friday! it's a little absurd how ecstatic i am about simply being able to boil eggs. i wish i could say most of my meals look like the above pictured pineapple and grapes, but that's highly unrealistic with a budget as tiny as ours. though, look at how fabulous that bowl is! all of our bowls and plates are mismatched and colorful, so i'll definitely be sharing our little collection as time goes by.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

customer service, we meet again



well, i am now an employed barista at a coffee shop chain frequented by studying ucla students and trendy hipsters alike. i remember in high school circa junior year (aka the rebellious stage) when everyone who needed a job went straight to starbucks and wanted nothing more than to make other people's coffee. while i can't say this job was at the top of my list at this point in my life, especially with a rent that makes you woozy, i'm excited to start the job. the manager specifically told me that of the six stores she's worked at, this was the only one that was drama free and she wants to keep it that way - that was music to my ears! she also mentioned that most of the employees hang out outside of work, so hopefully i can meet some interesting people there.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

too many decisions!



i've been thinking a lot on whether i want to double major at ucla, and i think i've finally come to the decision that i'll just stick with my major in global studies, and add on a minor in political science. at the end of the day, i'll have a full schedule at school, a part time job, extracurricular activities and all of life's other worries to think about before i would even be able to think about a double major. it's hard to remember that sometimes i don't have to do it all. one of the things i've been wanting to work on in los angeles is not feeling like it's my responsibility to do everything and fix everyone's problems, and here i am sabotaging that goal in the first two weeks here! sometimes i feel like i am in a battle with myself.

this week i'm looking forward to a job interview, making sushi and seeing friends from san diego! hopefully all three of those will go well :)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Things I Love Thursday



white chocolate ice blended coffee from coffee bean & tea leaf

bookshelves (although, i will love ours much more once my books get here and it will actually be full!)

all of those domestic chores that i previously hated - call me an antifeminist, but i really enjoy making chris meals...albeit they're not the fanciest of meals ;)

diddy riese cookies! yum!

having my own address...though, unfortunately that comes with my own bills, too.

my renewed license coming in the mail. this may seem like a small joy, but you see, my original license was absolutely hideous, but they put the wrong birthday on it, so luckily i had to retake my picture with my new license. somehow, the picture ended up being more flattering than probably any picture i've previously taken in my life, but it got stolen when my car got broken into last year! so, when it came time to renew my license i was overjoyed to discover they'd put my newer, jealously-inducing picture on it, instead of my older, vomit-inducing picture! success.

hell's kitchen. i admit, it's horrible, but i also must admit that i'm addicted! living without cable means a higher chance of me watching anything on hulu - and most of hulu is reality shows.

cuddling on the couch with chris and ninja. an oldie, but goodie, forever.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

finally settling down



the whole idea that we've moved (possibly) permanently away from san diego is still so surreal for me. while i've fully accepted our decision with arms wide open, and am actually quite relieved that we did, i still feel as if it hasn't fully sunk in yet. it's strange to think that we haven't seen a familiar face (besides jordan) in two weeks.

los angeles has been lovely, so far. the apartment is all i could have hoped for and so much more. while everyone from san diego gasps when we tell them the rent, we actually got quite the bargain here in westwood, especially considering we're within a short walk to ucla's campus. chris and i have been walking as our main mode of transportation, and that's been one of my favorite changes from the move, by far. it's so refreshing to not spend the majority of the day inside of a cramped car!

it's been shocking at how much more i've been enjoying just relaxing and spending time at home in los angeles, compared to san diego. two weeks ago i was looking for any good excuse to get out of the house, but now i have no problem spending nearly the entire day with chris at the apartment. it's quickly feeling more and more like home than any house i've lived in before and i'm so very thankful for that. ninja isn't adjusting to the move quite as well, but i'm sure she'll come around!

besides finding jobs (though i have one good prospect at the moment!), i really want to concentrate on putting the finishing touches on the apartment! i'm sure the blog will get bombarded with pictures of it once i do :).

i miss you all, and hope everyone is doing well!

Monday, June 14, 2010

hopefully i can catch my breath

everything in los angeles has been nonstop - but we're moving into our apartment tomorrow, so hopefully things will start to settle down!

i have so many thoughts and feelings to share, i'll have no choice but to update nonstop in the coming weeks!

Monday, May 31, 2010

things i am excited for - moving out edition

exploring los angeles

sharing my residence with the first lover (cat) and close second lover (chris)

the most wonderful, simple, white duvet cover. ever.

walking around the house naked without worry of awkward encounter with parents or siblings

cooking with fresh foods in our tiny kitchen

sharing a bed

laundry ( i don't know, i just really like doing laundry sometimes )

getting to surprise chris with breakfast in bed

having company over

extravagant dinners featuring non-extravagant foods

meeting new, lovely people to have adventures with

beginning my new goal to start running and possibly do a triathlon

oh, so much more!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

an issue i've brought up before



my world is moving so fast, that sleep deprivation is actually happening on accident this time.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

anxious, and disappointed

i haven't begun to have mixed feelings about moving to los angeles until recently. my mixed feelings don't come from not wanting to go: those aren't the feelings whatsoever. instead, the mixed feelings have sprung from the reaction, or lack thereof, of the people around me.

the biggest reaction has surprisingly been from my friends and the residents at la vida. now, these people have been a big part of my life for a while now, and i have always considered them to be good friends. and it's from them that i feel like i'll be truly missed. they have made me feel so loved these last few days and weeks and i really appreciate it more than they know. throughout this whole process they've been so supportive and encouraging and i really needed that in my life.

however, from the friends that i've known for years and have previously spent every day with? them, i haven't heard a peep. they knew more than anyone else how important berkeley was to me. they knew how much i was leaning on that acceptance letter to get me through this shit that i've been living through these last few months. and when they found out i didn't get in i didn't get any texts from them, i didn't get any calls and i didn't get any "hey, let me take you out to lunch" 's. nothing. it hurt. it hurt, a lot. but what's hurt even more is that now that they all know that i'm moving in less than three weeks they still haven't said a word. none of the friends that i have considered some of the best in my life have expressed any real interest in seeing me before i leave, except for a very select few. once again, it hurts. and it still hurts and i expect that it will hurt until i leave. i feel like i constantly spend so much energy and time and resources to make someone's day when something bad happens in their life, or they have a birthday, or something to celebrate or something to cry about that when my turn comes to cry on someone's shoulder that i want my fucking turn. is a going away celebration so much to ask for? is a phone call saying "amy, i know it fucking sucks you didn't get into berkeley after you tried your damn hardest for two fucking years, but how about i come over and i'll bring some ice cream and we can mope about it together?" where the fuck are they when i need my turn?

i'm not one to sit and talk about my personal life or the problems in my family and i'm not going to start now. so, i don't expect my friends to know exactly what's going on right now. but when they know for a fact that something that was thoroughly important to me (berkeley) ended up to be a huge disappointment, i expect at least minimal effort from someone else's part. i have gone through hell these last months trying to keep everything from falling apart. i have spent hours listening to x or y cry in my room at night and feel like there was nothing i could do to keep the walls of this family from falling down. i've worked so hard to do everything in my power to make everything okay, and when it wasn't, i tried harder. that has been my fucking LIFE for the last six months and all the while i've gotten up everyday and gone to class, gotten straight fucking a's and showed up to work with a smile on my face. i have a full schedule, one that would make most people stressed just getting by, but i somehow always find time for the people in my life when they need me. so, i apologize if i don't give a fuck what excuses my "best" friends have for being invisible when i need them the most. i know exactly what the first thing they'll say is, too. "well, we didn't know you needed us/we didn't know you were upset/we didn't know everything you were going through." but the fact of the matter is, you didn't need to. you didn't need to know the details to know how badly i was feeling when i didn't get into berkeley, you didn't need to know how many hours i spend every day making everyone else happy to know that i'm always there for you guys when you need me and to know that i needed someone at that moment. if even friends that i've hung out with five or six times could tell from a single facebook status that i was hurting and took the time to call me to make sure i was okay, then you could have at least called. you could have at least texted. you could have at least done something.



so, i guess in a way that makes it even easier to leave. if you would have asked me about my friends two months ago i would have told you that they love me and would do anything for me, but to realize now that that's only true when it's convenient or involves a fun activity, i feel almost silly for believing that the people around me cared as much as i did. it hurts and "actions speak louder than words" has never rang more true to me. i am greatly comforted by the fact that jordan will be in los angeles and attending ucla with chris and i. he is one person who has never been invisible whenever i needed someone and i have never felt a lack of concern from him in the years that we've known each other.


especially helpful throughout dealing with all of this have been: chris, of course, who is always so understanding and makes me feel as if everything in the world will turn out okay if i have you by my side. ambar, who i love so unbelievably much and your phone call (although it came when i was still balling my eyes out) really was one of the nicest and simple acts that anyone has done for me in a long time. your genuine concern and sincerity meant more than you could have possibly imagined. sisco, the only other person besides ambar to actually call me and deal with the issue up front. honestly, you get the biggest props for that and i really appreciated the effort. every time i see you you make me feel like i will be so missed and i love you dearly and am so glad you've been a part of my life this last year or so. and really all of my coworkers at vida! you guys are so encouraging and it's so fucking nice to know you guys care about chris and i. even though work can get crowded with drama and blahblahblah, you guys are like a second family to me and i want to emphasize once again how much i fucking love all of you. i cherish your friendships so much, and it's been great to know that when i go into work every day i could escape the outside craziness of my life and get paid at the same time! you guys are awesome and i'm going to miss all of the sexual innuendos, resident impersonations, dance parties and overall great memories with you all.

Friday, May 7, 2010

may seventh

it's may seventh today, and this time next month i might be...

...living in los angeles, awaiting to be a student at ucla, sharing an apartment with chris and ninja, enjoying independence, having adventures with jordan, meeting new people, making new friends, finding a new job and absolutely and thoroughly enjoying life.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

swirls of luminosity

i remember being a child, back when you wore colorful socks to fit in with fellow four foot taller-ers, unlike the newest tendencies for teen angst to be emphasized through neon footwear. whenever the weight of reality pulled at my confidence and weighed down my felicity, i immediately sought out my trusty release from the world. laying down my head and body, i would close my eyes and enjoy the darkness and all of the possibilities that could fill it. but this black abyss was never enough for my escapist tendencies, so i would begin to rub and push down on my eyelids until that simple darkness turned into something much more enticing: vibrant reds and blues and yellows would appear and set my imagination on fire. no longer was i avoiding yells, but was simply too captivated by the fireworks of my mind to care about world war three outside my bedroom door. this was no duck and cover tactic, no, no, i would remind myself: no one in their right mind would be strong enough to ignore the pull of such picturesque scenes. let me assure you, this resistance of the real world was not proof of my weakness; for if the colors dancing upon my eyelids were as vivid as the cries echoing in my ears then who could say which reality was tangible and which was a fabrication of a nine-year-old's mind?

Monday, April 5, 2010

oh dear, don't hate me guys

my soul finally feels like writing again, but only in moments at a time on scrap paper or in between biology notes. i shall overcome this mental block, if it's the last thing i do.

however, i have to share this exciting news with you.
okay, that was very misleading.
it's actually not all that exciting to anyone but me.
lately i've been feeling as if i've fallen even more in love with chris. now, if you were to tell me this weeks ago, i would have thought you crazy. "why, that's not possible sir or ma'am, i am in love to the maximum indeed!" but alas, here i am and sometimes my heart feels like it could just burst at any moment.

sometimes i wonder if i allow myself to be extra gushy online because i'm so shy about it in person. people are always telling chris and i how lovely we are together and what a great couple we make, but i just blush and say thank you.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

there's so many subjects to want to discuss! just letting readers know i haven't disappeared, my thoughts are just flying a little too quickly to write down lately!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

with spring break nearing, i've been getting antsy and anxious. now jordan is in town and it's difficult to concentrate on the japanese concentration camps when adventures are waiting!

i've been eating healthy, REAL, as-non-processed-as-relatively-possible food for the last week and it's amazing what a difference it's been making! last summer i was trying to shed some pounds to feel comfortable for the road trip, but i was still eating a bunch of crap - just less of it. so, i guess the whole organic, natural food craze is all it's cracked up to be. eating whole wheat tortilla, chicken, real mozzarella and spinach for dinner, yogurt with fresh banana and strawberry for lunch, natural granola and berries for breakfast, it's been lovely.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

this is how i feel tonight

keep on running and don't look back. try to forget the tears stinging your bloodshot eyes as they exit your body; try to forget the cold air piercing your skin as you glide through the air. perhaps troubles follow your life when it's moving slowly, but if you run fast enough you can escape it all: the only thing behind you is all of the memories you've been forgetting night after night that sleep refuses to comfort your busy mind. and what's in front of us anymore? maybe this time i can slip in between bitterness and misery and make it out feeling halfway alive. how long can you go on living feeling like your only moments of bliss are when you're fading out of consciousness: turning headphones up until i can feel the blood in my brain thud-thud-thudding along with the rhythm, sleep depriving the body until you can barely muddle through your words, hiding behind a schedule so tight you have to remind yourself to breathe on your to do list, and all so that there's no room for doubts, no room for pain, no room for anything except putting one foot in front of the other - on your way to an inevitable end.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

oh, hello, monday

after an absolutely lovely weekend, i feel quite refreshed. i still have a disconnect from those yucky, teensy-weensy inner feelings that i keep suppressing, but nothing bad ever comes from holding your feelings inside, right? am i right?

i'm going to san francisco during spring break, since the trip during winter break got cancelled and i absolutely cannot wait. the trip has been shortened to four days, but i'll have to deal. unfortunately, i've been learning that money doesn't grow on trees. speaking of, the thought of having to pay for a university for the next six or so years terrifies the living daylights out of me. i say this because i got my first round of acceptance e-mails (from ucsd and ucsc) and it's made me go over my potential living expenses if i get accepted into berkeley.

does music ever prompt you to daydream? i've been listening to 'radical face' a lot lately and it seems like every time i sit down and listen to them, i find myself dozing off into dreamland.

holy moly have i mentioned that i must not have a creative bone in my body left, because i've been completely ignoring the right side of my brain. that needs to change.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

i just don't know if i can do this anymore

i'm so mentally and physically and emotionally drained and no exact reasons to feel so. and lately i've been noticing that i punish myself with sleep deprivation.

i just had about five lengthy paragraphs expanding on that, but decided against it.

oi vey, guys.
i need to get back in the swing of things.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

a child of the sun

today my yearning and deepest-of-heart-wishes for sunshine have been answered! it is indeed sunny and with my open window my bedroom is completely engulfed in rays.

do you ever wake up feeling like you could conquer the world? today is one of those days.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

the effects that writing has on me

as some of you may or may not know, for a very long time i thought i would be an english major. i always used to write every chance i had until the last year or so when it's been a slow downwards slope towards being your average college student who only writes when essays are required. words were always what comforted me when i was younger and my family life was too much for me. stories or poems or just endless words that sometimes ended up in sentences and sometimes didn't. so today when i woke up i figured that if i can't find anything to write about, at least i could write about not writing. i've always been told that the only way to cure writer's block is to force yourself to write until it comes naturally again. hopefully in my case if i force myself to write (even if it is about not writing) then i can at least recognize the passion i used to have for it. maybe i can open up a notebook and feel excited about a blank page and relieved once i've filled it.

we shall see.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

drenched in empathy

lately my heart has been quick to spill out all of my emotions at the drop of a hat. this weekend was the busiest i've had in months and it was spent almost entirely with la vida real friends. it's strange having these two distinct groups of friends and trying to mesh the two together. i never understand why others don't try to mix their groups more often. at la vida, for example, almost everyone at la vida has met at least three or four of my friends but i have rarely met any of theirs. whenever i meet new people who i find interesting i want to share them with the entire world so everyone can appreciate their sense of humor and personality.

i'm trying to get back in touch with that part of me that felt a connection with words, but instead these last few months i've felt as if words have betrayed me. they have not been a comfort to me and have not been able to get my emotions or feelings across.

i hope everyone is doing lovely and maybe one day i'll wake up and feel the need to write regularly as i once had.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

i wish

that karma were real and that everyone got what they deserved.


i haven't been able to post any beautiful pictures in here lately, because i'm in the middle of transfering my pictures from my old laptop to my new beautiful macbook. perhaps that adds to my disinterest in keeping this thing updated. oi.

Friday, January 22, 2010

winter break

i'm sad to say it's coming to an end. it has been absurdly lovely, though. i've had plenty of time to relax, read, sleep in, spend endless hours with chris, and be a homebody. at the same time i'm happy that i forced myself to get out there and be social even when i felt like staying under my blankets all night.

to be perfectly honest, while i'm sure the classes and everything that comes with next semester will be swell, i really am just looking at this next semester as "my last semester at community college until....______" what that blank will turn into, we'll see.

tonight i'm sleeping in the living room, so that i can fall asleep to the sound of the rain.

i hope you're all doing wonderfully.

Monday, January 18, 2010

well,

i've already read three books in 2010, yet i cannot write an entire paragraph.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i want

i want to be selfish tonight. i want to be the one who gets all of the attention and i want all of your time. i want you to care about my feelings over everyone else's and i want to hear every good thought you have about me and none of the bad ones. i want all of it and i want to be the first priority and nothing less.

i don't want to be childish or immature, but sometimes i just can't help it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010