Friday, January 30, 2009

getting glass turtles for christmas.

Before giving a gift
that has no functional application
consider where the recipient
is going to store the gift
for the rest of their time with it.
Look around your house.
What has earned a place on the bookshelf?
The nightstand?
The top of the toilet tank?

Is this a ranking system?

Picture your mother’s living room
and all of the things
you had to dust to earn your allowance
and how none of them
ever moved,
were ever admired.

Many of these things were older than you.
And behind each one
a special occasion
a shopping trip
wrapping paper.
A thoughtful card.

Little memories
trapped forever
between a commemorative mug full of empty pens
and a remote control to a stereo you no longer own.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

L'Élégance du hérisson

i finished the elegance of the hedgehog today. while i must admit it was very good, i was slightly expecting more from it. the vocabulary was really refreshing, and very challenging, though.

unfortunately, i'm still tragically ill. i was only scheduled to come into work once this weekend, but i couldn't even handle that.

it's a very unpleasant thing waking up before the sun. i've determined that after this semester, i am never going to do that ever again.

yes sirree.

Did you know, Reader, that whenever you feel love, you literally begin to glow? You probably did.

But did you know that the glowing is actually made up of zillions of minute sparkles? And that these sparkles receive as much energy as they create? And that because of this energy exchange you completely stop aging and look younger? Abundance is immediately drawn to you? Healing powers fill you? Muscles are strengthened, pounds are shed, and your vision improves? Lingering questions are answered? New friends are summoned? Old friends are poked? Problems are solved? And maple syrup tastes more maple-y?

All when you feel love.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

i hate titles sometimes.

Last night there was a noise coming from the wall.
It was loud and constant from midnight through
’till the morning.
It sounded like an animal, stuck somehow,
and unsure of an exit plan.
One loud thud, then silence, then another louder thud.
I kept me up for hours
trying to think of a way
to help it escape
that didn’t involve putting on a shirt
or going outside.

One never came.

So, as I drifted off I chose to imagine
the animal not as a helpless victim
but as something that did not need to
be liberated. Something big and dangerous, and
filled with poison.
Perhaps not even an animal, a ghost maybe,
who deserved to be stuck in there
bumping around
as penance for something stupid he did
back on earth
at an age when he should have known better.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

everyone loves birthday cake.

There’s a store
that sells coffins.
Big beautiful coffins,
in all shapes and degrees, polishes and hues.

It’s on the same strip
as the poorly lit coffee shop with the bad local art,
the burrito joint that only accepts cash and always has a line,
and the pet store that specializes in birds.

You should visit it,
if you are in the area.

It has a huge plate glass display
(to entice window shoppers?)
And inside a man sits at a small desk in the back of the store
his eyes facing two different directions.
Ten feet behind him
is another older man at an even smaller desk.

His name is Hermando.

“It’s family run business.”
He tells me.
“Twelve years selling coffins,
two years managing our own mortuary.”

“For three thousand dollars you can get a plot
that will cost you six thousand dollars at one of those high end places
like Forrest Lawn.”

“Is that an anual fee?” I ask

“No.” that’s the basic package.

I ask what sort of coffin comes with that package,
and he shows me around the store.
Rows of caksets, spread out on shelves
the same as a mattress gallery
or similar perfunctory storefront.
The drop ceilings, grey carpet and stale air
remind me of the way a video rental store felt in 1989.

He tells me that at this point “in the digital age”
you can pretty much do anything to a coffin,
same as a motorcycle.

“Can I get my picture on it?”

“Of course, you can even get them wrapped in custom stickers.”

A popular one, he says, is “return to sender.”

“What about the material?”

“Particle board, metal, wood, fiberglass. Anything the customer wants, we have or can order…”

“Do they still decompose” I ask.

“Yes, of course. I mean, you can get this top of the line
Mahogany for $20,000 and it’s still going to decompose in five or six years.”

“$20,000? That’s a lot of money. Can I get inside one to see how it feels?”

“No. Not unless you buy it first.”

“Well, what if I don’t like it. $20,000 is a lot of money.”

“It’s top of the line.”

“Have you ever gotten inside one?”




“Aren’t you curious?”


Before I left the store
I thanked Hermando
and told him that I liked his coffins.
I didn’t want him to feel bad, but
I hoped I wouldn’t be buying one for quite a while.
This is probably what a lot of people say when they come inside this place, more curious
than driven.

“Well,” he said “it doesn’t have to be for yourself…
Everyone knows someone who is old, sick, or who’s been in a car accident.”

And with that
I went across the street to get a scoop of ice cream
flavored like birthday cake.

goodness gracious.

how can people be so pessimistic about a president that just had his first day of office?

Monday, January 19, 2009

a first.

the scene: brian was in the driver's seat, and andrew jesse in the passenger's. michelle and i shared the back seat and we were both feeling a good buzz from the night's drinking. we decided to go on this adventure because as any of you who know me know, i love nudity. i really and truly do. and if society accepted it, i would be nude always. ANYWAYS - we drove, but alas it was late so not all that many people were out. though, whenever we saw anyone, or a car passed by we bared our bottoms to them all; mooning as the youngsters might call it. it was refreshing and fun and a first for us all.

sorry i pushed my bare bottom against your window, brian.
i hope no one has the urge to press their face against it anytime soon.

it was the last night we'd all be there in that empty house. the longest i've ever lived in one place: five years. that may not seem like much to most of you, but it was a lot for me. i could go through every stage of my teen years by how i spent my time on the roof:

freshman year: when i thought i would follow the Lord's footprints to the t; at this point the roof was where i prayed every morning and night.
sophomore year: i spent nearly every second with michelle, megan, danielle, tiffany and layah. and we all spent a LOT of time on that roof. we brought our fernando's up there, and laughed and jokes and sporked and had the times of our lives.
junior year: the drama crew hosted quite a number of top ramen parties up there. we'd hoist my tv through the window and watch rent countless times and sing along.
senior year: we thought we were soo cool bringing drinks up there while my dad was sleeping and getting drunk while looking at the stars. chris and i would sit and cuddle and say all of the cheesy things that should only exist on romance movies.

i'll miss you, ledgeview :]!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

next semester:


6:55-9:25 SPAN 102
9:35-11:00 Honors HUMA 101
11:10-12:35 Honors ENGL 205
12:45-2:10 ANTH 103


8:00-9:25 ECON 120
11:10-12:35 POLI 103

i'm trying to see how this will not completely suck.
here's to positive thinking!

Friday, January 16, 2009

thou shalt give generously.

giving tells the Universe that you believe you are provided for. for even as you empty your purse, you fear not. the act alone is a demonstration of faith that you will remain whole, that your coffers will be replenished, and that love is what matters most.

and for whomsoever believes these things to be true, it shall become their reality, and abundance shall be showered upon them unceasingly, as if the heavens had opened up.

Adventurers 9:19

a conversation at work:
her: "i'd make $150,000 a year, how much would you make if you follow through with [my life plans as i had just explained to her]?"
me: "not much. to be perfectly honest, making money isn't the tiniest of my priorities."
her: "what?! how could you not care if you made a lot of money?"

later on this girl and another were explaining why my plans to work nonprofit and travel to other countries wouldn't work for them, because they planned on having children and wouldn't want to raise them like that; i must admit, i have no idea why those two life paths must be mutually exclusive.

chris' birthday tomorrow.
disneyland tomorrow.
two year anniversary next friday.
life is swell.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

strawberries in a cup.

can life get any more beautiful than it is in this instant? our planet is exactly where it needs to be, by the degree, for us to live in a planet that if plush and full of living organisms; our sun has a good seven or eight more billion years to burn before it expands and swallows the Earth in its flames; your parents subconscious of subconscious's brought YOU into existence; you were born in a time where previously terminal illnesses can be fixed with a simple shot; the air is made up of every molecule we need in our bodies, and none of the billions upon trillions of molecules that can kill us.

whether you believe in a God or a god or gods or no gods at all, you must admit: the Universe must really like you, for life to work out this well.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dearest Reader,

are you so sure it's not the dancer who creates the music she moves to? or the painter who manifests the mountains he captures? or the tycoon who builds the empire before there's a dime?

whatever you want, Reader, let it exist first in your mind, imagine every nuance and consideration, let the walls have substance, the halls have depth, and the money have weight in the palm of your hand, and then all that's necessary to bring it to pass will be drawn to you.

lets do some math.

it’s possible that a graph could be constructed
noting that the decrease in your participation
in things one could be arrested for if they were caught
is directly relative to the increase in averageness
and boringocity in your daily operations.

and might i add, that i participate in plenty of activities,
in my daily life, that could get me arrested.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dearest Reader,

next time you make a wish, Reader, wish for what is, because really and truly, things don't get much better than this.

there is a purpose, a plan, and a reason for all things. what doesn't make sense, will make sense. you are exactly where you should be; your challenges are what they should be; your rewards are what they should be; and the best is yet to come. time has served you well. love is in the air. and you're looking mighty good in the light that now surrounds you.

a toast to life.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

the woes of throes.

A faith healer carved his name into that tree.
It was a few days after a young boy was killed by a snake.
He had been promised it was drained of its venom.

The faith healer took it hard.
Been on the fence the weeks before
about whether or not this was the true path.
His calling.
He’d seen others with the holy ghost.
True salesmen.

But to him, well…
there were just so many beautiful women in this world.

So when the boy began to convulse
and foam up around the mouth
All the man could see,
was every stray doubt he’d ever had
every crack in his commitment.

The boy’s parents sued the church of course
And would have sure sued the faith healer too
if he hadn’t disappeared.
(Some say dead, others: down south, wandering)

Only sign he left before he vanished
was on that tree
with a little poem about Christ underneath
an apology
that I can no longer remember.

My dad told me the whole story
every time we came here
to throw a ball or ride a bike

And every time I acted like I’d never heard it
because I liked the way his voice fit the words
and his eyes got wide when he told of the convulsions
like he’d been there.

The city took the tree last week,
took all the trees up out of the entire park.

A foreign bug had got to ‘em.
It was out of their hands.
Three flat bed cranes and two teams of union men.

Nothing but a giant hole now
where the sun comes spilling over
and some orange cones put around it
so no one falls in.

Friday, January 9, 2009

the life of an artist.

When you are up late
making art
and you are truly frustrated with your brains
you should pretend
that you are making crafts instead.

This way
you can still keep your bedroom messy
and paint all over your pants
but you won’t have to be as angry with your family
and you get to bake holiday cookies
without damaging your reputation.

what i learned today. on a thursday.

1.) i truly don't like the word copious. there's too many ROUND sounds in your mouth for only one word.

2.) i rearranged my book shelf so that the top shelf is most of my fictional novels, the second is notebooks and journals on one side, and all of my favorite books on the other side, and the third is nonfiction and things like yearbooks and ap study books and what not. now every time i walk into my room i look at my second shelf and i smile. and i mean a real, genuine smile. it makes me feel like a nerd, but i'm okay with that.

3.) good sex makes your whole day better. (OMGZ!1 TMI.)

4.) denny's is always, always, always better in the early morning hours. even when your waitress is unenthusiastic and is obviously only there to pay her bills, even when the only other customers have large mustaches and look at you with a creepy glare - denny's is always better in the early morning.

5.) as much as i hate going to work, and despite the fact that i feel like i'm always there, i got a $370 paycheck and it almost makes it worth it. almost.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

it is a wednesday.

it miraculously is only about half way through winter vacation.

i finished Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally a Possible today.

i've been trying relentlessly to come up with small, but significant conclusions about my spirituality. this has been a tough task to do, but i'd like to think i'm making some progress. after reading this book, and seeing even more in depth how even the most strict fundamentalist pick and choose from the Bible (i don't see them blowing a horn at the start of each month, or refraining from wearing clothes of mixed fibers,) i don't think i want to put myself into the "Christian" label until i'm willing to completely give myself up to it. though, i still am questioning the divinity and symbolism of Christ himself, so obviously that label is far from me at this moment.

there are three people in particular that are coming to mind right now: all are bragging incessantly about their renewed faith in God and throwing out the word "Christian" and "God" every chance they get. i have a ridiculously large problem with this. i have very high standards for the label of a Christian. a Christian should be someone who seeks to better their relationship with the Lord and Jesus Christ with every last breathe in their body. this also means abiding by every law He has commanded, not just the easy ones. this means that anything negative, rude, sexual, etc. should never be uttered out of your mouth (Ephesians 4:29). this means you can't look at a woman lustfully, because that would be committing adultery (Matthew 5:28.) and the list goes on and on. so why of why has it become okay for people to label themselves as Christians, yet their behavior can be completely secular?

yes, Jesus said that all you have to do to become a Christian is that you must repent your sins and believe in Jesus Christ as the savior of humanity (John 3:16,) but it also says (more than once) that forgiveness is only earned if in your deepest of hearts you know you'll try with everything you have to not make the same sin again (2nd Chronicles 7:14, Romans 6:1-2,) so, if you lie and ask for forgiveness, you are not forgiven unless God sees that your heart truly intends to never lie again. even further than that, the Bible says that God will not forgive you if you don't forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15,) so, grudges? not okay.

as for me, i can't pray to God and ask for forgiveness for cursing, lying, sex, not loving every one of my neighbors, etc., etc., etc. with true intentions of not making the same mistakes again. nor can i watch "Christians" act so hatefully against other people and go sit next to them at church Sunday mornings. therefore, by the Bible and by my own morals, i'm still on my spiritual quest.

i'll always go back to Venezuela and mixed feelings while i was there. on one hand, i had the most intense and fulfilling moments of my entire life, when i could have swore God was sitting right next to me. there were times when we were singing or praying or this or that and i broke down in tears. but at the same time there was gossiping, cliques, hatred, dishonesty, flings galore and more than anything: the teenagers i was on that missions trip with were absolutely no different than the average secular teenager at home. and that, that was just sad.

i do think i'll be reading more books on the subject.

face painting.

when was the last time you painted your face?
not for any reason, or special day, just for fun, to look like an animal you appreciate or to give yourself a cool mustache or a teardrop, like a prisoner who has killed someone.

how would your boss feel about that?
he’d probably think it was awesome and give you a raise.

and if he didn’t?
well, that’s not the kind of place you need to be working anyhow.

(somehow i can't imagine raul giving me a raise for wearing a prisoner-esque teardrop.)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

highlights of 2008.

so, i originally made a month by month bullshitblahblah post for 2008. and it was freaking huge, so it was hard letting it go.
then i decided that was predictable and at times depressing, so why not simply talk & show the highlights? good idea, yes?

note: this was a picture post, but i have yet to understand why blogspot won't allow pictures bigger than an e-post it to fully show on my no pictures for you now.

the top five highlights of 2008.

#5: adorable, tiny & quite large animals.

this may lead you to believe that if this is on my highlights list...i had a boring year, but that's not the case at all! the lettau household has a history filled with animals, and this year was no different! during the summer chris and i spent so many days playing with all the puppies, but they were the cutest puppies on the planet (and everyone can attest to that) so they were wonderfully spent days :]! and ninja! the first pet kitten i've ever owned and oh my, have i grown to love her. she's been pretty down lately because i'm always gone. she follows me into every room and sits next to my pillow waiting for me to wake up! and last but not least, duke. duke was just the best, most giant dog we've ever had and it was such a terribly sad ordeal putting him to sleep. it was still a highlight in a strange way, though, because he's going to be one pet we'll look back on for many, many years and always smiles at every time.

#4: the empty house.

while we all didn't have this luxury the entire year, it has made a dramatic difference in mine and my friends lives while it's been there. some of the best times i can look back on are the wii festivities, parties and hanging out spent at the house! someone just hanging out with a few of us always turned into at least eight people pretty quickly, but it just made it all the better. i don't know WHAT we would have done without the house for thanksgiving and especially winter break! i've loved [almost] every minute we spent there, and the people who filled it up were [obviously] what made it so great!

#3: new friends

and of course, the list couldn't go without mentioning RARA! i never in my life thought one of my best friends would be an indonesian exchange student...but life is like that! rara, you are one of the most wonderful and lovely friends i've ever had and i am eternally grateful you were a part of my year. senior year wouldn't have been the same without you and i can only hope one day our paths will cross again! it was sad you had to leave so soon, but at least you have your hairy boyfriend in indonesia, now ;)! and i take full credit for pulling you into theater kid land and not becoming a typical gangsta that resides in monte vista. and others, too! there's getting to know kate & andrew jesse & brian & nancy more & all of the loovely la vida coworkers most notably the wonderful liz! 2008 had so many new faces in it; i've loved that my group of friends hasn't just stayed the same, but it's changed with time and that new friends are always popping up out of nowhere.

#2: old friends

and with new friends, comes old friends, as well! brittany, andrew, jordan, michelle, matt and on and on and on and on. i couldn't count them all on one hand and that makes me one of the luckiest people i know. everyone in my life this year has made me feel so blessed and i don't know what i would have done without sitting in front of michelle's house in the car, weinerschnitzel's with rickie and judy, baseball games with andrew and etc. etc. etc. sometimes when we're all hanging out and i'll remember some adventure i had with nick back in 10th grade, or an inside joke brittany and i had three years ago, i can't help but smile and remind myself what wonderful people i surround myself with. you guys made my year. who could have imagined i'd enjoy a night playing wii and board games so very much.

#1: you all knew it was coming...chris!

the year started with our one year anniversary and ended nearing our second. chris has been the one constant that i could always look to and always rely on. i never in a million, trillion years would have thought i'd be in a relationship at this point in my life, but here we are.

electric feel by mgmt.

can suck it.

i am so fucking sick of that song.

for one, if you like mgmt, there are a ridiculous amount of other songs by them which are much better in all aspects. secondly, it's so overplayed i could shoot myself in the face if i hear it one more time. i have to skip past the song every time i'm listening to their cd in my car.

that is all.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Dearest Reader,

I was about to wish that your every dream for 2009 come true. That you find yourself surrounded by friends, laughter, and good times. I almost wished that your every cup runneth over financially, romantically, spiritually, and creatively. That good health be your faithful companion, peace your guarded ally, and love your perpetual guide. When suddenly, it dawned on me that as an infinite, powerful, fun-loving gladiator of the Universe, with eternity before you and the power of your thoughts to help shape it... it's you Reader, who will be granting wishes this year.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

what to expect.

expect a huge 2008 entry soon. i am in the process of making it more coherent.