Thursday, December 31, 2009

things i learned in 2009



a year is only what you make of it, and i can definitely say that 2009 was one of the best years of my life.



things i learned this year:

denny's was my savior and there really needs to be more 24 hour eateries.

drama in the workplace is the worst type of drama in the history of the universe.

even though you do it because you love, care and want the world for them, it's useless to try to convince smokers to stop smoking. not only will you not convince them, but they will inevitably get angry at you.

you're never been dating for too long to say insanely cheesy things to your lover.

road trips teach you heaps about yourself.

people don't listen to reason and logic in an argument, it's better to stick with low blows and go down to their level if you want anything to be done.

friends only want you out of their lives until you take them out of yours, as well. then they instantly get angry at you and want you back.

even though the homework is tedious, the papers are frustrating and the absurd hours you have to wake up to get to class are obscene, getting good grades will always be worth it. there's no better thing you can do than to give yourself unlimited options for the future by trying hard and staying focused.

people will never, ever pay you back for alcohol.

having a big, empty house to yourself will create some of the best and most memorable times you could ask for.

having said house will also quickly reveal how many people will take advantage of you, including good friends.

getting your car getting broken into/all of your shit being stolen (whoaa, this was the first time i realized that happened twice this year) can actually be a good thing and remind you to not be so damn attached to all your meaningless crap.

while cheesy and at times ridiculous, exercise classes will kick your ass into shape in no time.

some of the best adventures come from when everyone around you is broke.

parents do not always know what they're talking about.

bitches will always be bitches. on this same note, i need to stop being friends with girls because they don't like me.

giving anonymous presents is one of the best feelings in the world.

a good relationship will keep the rest of your life afloat, even in the roughest times. chris, our relationship was by far the best part of this year.

each day can be a fresh start, if you wake up with the right mindset.

flossing is crucial in having a healthy set of teeth.

things will get done ten times faster if they're said in a blog.






my list was definitely more negative than the year, overall! i can't wait until 2010. i have a feeling it will surpass the rest by miles.

Friday, December 25, 2009

merry christmas

i feel so thankful and full of love.

i hope that you few fellow bloggers who read this, as well as my non-blogging friends who read this realize how amazingly grateful i am for all of you and how frequently i think of you all. it seems like constantly throughout my days i'm thinking of you all, or things that would make you smile or shows or music that reminds me of you. i love you, all.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

postsecret inspiration.




a new life goal to add to the list:

help more people than i've hurt.

rays of sunshine in an envelope


i've been thinking about how much smaller my realm of friends have gotten since i've graduated. in theory, the older you get the more people you would surround yourself with, because you've simply met more people and made more friends as the years pass by. today i was counting on my fingers how many people i really care to keep as friends lately. needless to say, the number didn't reach the two digits. i suppose i'm trying to learn what the perfect equilibrium is.

i've been having all of these ideas running through my head lately, yet i haven't been following through with any of them. it's a waste of a creative spurt, that's for sure.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

winter break



while holidays and cold weather are two things i'm not a fan of, i'm still getting quite excited for winter break. even though it's technically only days away, i feel like i'll never reach it sometimes. i still have four papers and two finals to study for and only three days to finish it all. procrastination at it's worst...or maybe at it's best if i get all a's this semester.

jordan is finally in town (!!) as is toni, and andrew and liz will be here soon.

chris and layah were making fun of me last night, because i told them i've acquired an unusually large amount of random followers on tumblr. tumblr is strange to me because the people who typically gain the most followers are the one who simply repost pictures that others have used their talent and energy to make. this is for the most part what i do, also. sometimes i feel like i have a blogging addiction. i think it feeds into this yearning of mine to make human connections that can't hurt me. on tumblr you get the satisfaction of knowing someone wants to see your view of what's beautiful and therefore get that short, sweet feeling of being interesting and wanted. but because there's no direct way to get feedback, no one can really tell you anything negative (unless they really try). i'm sure a psychiatrist would have search for some deep and painful past to explain my interest in blogging. oh well.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Things I Love Thursday


only one more week of school! i am so utterly excited for winter break. i hope to get lots of reading, working out, adventures and good times in.

this silly spanish project being over with. it's been looming over me since i've found out about it, so i'm very relieved right now. a one hour, only spanish speaking, project and we did it quite well, if i say so myself.

survivor is still one of my most favorite shows on television. i don't care about the haters. i haven't missed an episode in nine years and i don't intend on doing it anytime soon!

i am absolutely loving the fluctuation in weather in san diego. sure, it can be frustrating when you're trying to dress in the morning. but a few weeks of warm weather or a few weeks of rainy, cold weather can get old fast. so, at least this way you never get too sick of it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

writer's block

i used to write every day in a journal. now i can't even manage enough words for a blog. things have been tough these last few weeks. i'm hoping to regain some positivity and strength during winter break.


"fourteen things everyone should know


1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.

3. The only reason everyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.

5. Every night, someone thinks about you they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. Without you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique, in your own way.

9. Someone that you don’t know event exist, loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned it’s back on you, take a look, you most likely turned you back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will fell much better when they know and in the end you’ll be glad you did.

14. Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks. You will go through this life peacefully without grudge."

Friday, December 4, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



okay, so it isn't technically thursday anymore. but that's just a sign that i was so burried in amazing-ness i didn't have time to write a blog!

the living room. maybe it's just a normal 'ol coffee shop, but it has just the right amount of comfy-ness, it's not too quiet or too loud, it has big tables and small tables and couches and chairs and outside seating and inside seating. i mean, variety of seating really is quite important when you pick a coffee shop to go to. plus, the food is absolutely delicious, albeit overpriced. tomato tortellini soup = amazing.

making christmas lists. i typically never, ever have a christmas list and i always just receive money. but this year i could actually come up with a sufficient amount of things that will be useful to me. i'm quite pleased with myself, i must admit.

survivor. chris watched it with me today and i don't care what anyone else thinks of the show, i think it's amazing. it was the show that so many other reality shows have copied and nine years later and i still haven't missed an episode. i love survivor.

ninja. i know she's always on my list, but i can't help it! she has actually been social enough to hang out with the rest of the family even when i'm not home, and that's a big step for her so i'm quite a proud pet owner.

shirts that fit just right. actually this one doesn't refer to me and excuse my bragging-ness, but, well, get over it. so, chris was wearing one of his mars volta shirts and well...hot damn he looked good in it! for those of you that have never met chris (or seen him out of his work uniform) he has a freakishly good body considering he eats more mcdonalds than vegetables. and i understand the whole fast metabolism thing, but normally that means you're just a scrawny, skinny boy who eats a lot. but why the hell does he have the same sized muscles and six pack as guys in our spanish class who brag about their workout schedules? either way, i'm perfectly fine with it because i get both a boyfriend and eye candy. and well, i love that any day of the week.

the colbert report. you have to love him.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

talk about secrets

i've literally only shared all of these thoughts at one time in my entire life, and that was this summer on the road trip with chris. i'm actually a little nervous about sharing it now. this will be sloppy and have typos, and to be honest i'm shaking just trying to type this now. we'll see what this turns into, but i know that once i start writing i won't be able to pic up my fingers until i explain it to the end.




as some of you may know, i grew up in a religious family and in my early teen years i was extremely dedicated to my faith. when i was fifteen my beliefs were solidified when i went to venezuela and would have sworn up and down that i'd be a missionary as soon as i finished school.

i remember going to sunday school and how they'd sugarcoat the idea of hell, but the pastors would always make a very clear distinction between heaven and hell and the types of people that went to either. now, many modern christians have delved from the original intent on who-goes-where, but by biblical standards, if you believe in jesus christ and have accepted him as your god's son and your personal savior and have asked forgiveness and truly want him to come into your heart, then you're a christian and will go to heaven. if you're anything but that, you're not a christian and you're going to hell. the pastors knew that what they were doing was using a scare tactic to encourage you to live the right lifestyle and fit into that christian definition. they knew it, but they used the tactic often in many of the churches i attended. and the older you got, the less sugarcoated and more fire and brimstone it became.

there are obviously more technicalities, for example, there are other verses that speak of forgiveness and that you're not asking for forgiveness unless you truly intend to never commit the act again, and so on. but even as a small child, i remember lying awake and praying that prayer of asking jesus into my heart over and over again. i was terrified that i would mess up one day, or not ask for forgiveness before i died, or that i would doubt god and therefore not fit into that exact definition of a christian.

when i was in my early teens, i would be furious with people who claimed to be christians, but followed secular lifestyles. anyone who called themselves a christian should not be cursing, drinking, doing drugs, gossiping, stealing, lying, having sex, etc. etc. etc. and because of that i was very judgmental and very picky about who i let into my life. in fact, that is one part of my old beliefs that still hold very true today. i still have major problems with these types of christians, and it's still something that is in the back of my mind with many of my current friends.

nowadays my beliefs have changed wildly. my views on god, religion, spirituality and everything of that sort is very different. i'll try my best to sum it up, while still explaining myself fully, but i give you no guarantees.

if you were to ask me if i believe there's a god, i would answer yes. one event that will always come to my mind is something that happened in venezuela, that i will never be able to shake from my mind. they had a guest speaker come in, a man who used to be a major drug dealer, but at the peak of his own personal darkness, gave his life to jesus christ. then he became to slain in the spirit. for those of you that don't know, it's something that certain sects of christianity still practice, but the media (typically in a comedic fashion) have made somewhat known. typically this means a pastor or religious leader will prayer over you, sometimes lay his hands on you, and you fall to the floor. well, that is exactly what happened that night. as he was speaking spanish, i literally didn't understand a word he was saying, but when he finished his prayer and lay his hand on the my face, i fell to the floor. my whole body felt disconnected from the earth. my limbs tingled, i could have sworn the whole earth turned silent so that i could experience pure joy in the physical sense. i could not move; i could not budge; i could not stand up. this is not the only strong spiritual encounter i've experienced, but it's definitely the most finite one. but i could never in a million years convince myself that there was no god. i believe with my entire heart, soul, body and mind that there is a god. whether there is science behind it or not, i know what i have experienced and what i have felt, and no one could ever convince me it was anything other than a personal connection with god. no one.

but do i necessarily believe in the "christian" god, or the "islamic" god or the "jewish" god? no. and one of the most basic answers i can give you for that is because the god that i believe to be true would never, ever be so judgmental as the gods that these religions believe in. this is another way in which modern christians can annoy me to death. for example, if you are a christian, then you believe in the bible. and if you believe in the bible, then you believe that every muslim is going to hell, bottom line. and i absolutely refuse to believe that the god of the entire universe would be so black and white, and so absolutely nonsensical as to judge people based on cultural decisions. the christian argument to this is a bible verse which explains that every person will either have heard the word of god from a messenger from god (i.e. another human being) and if they haven't, then god will judge their hearts. well, with modern technology, most people have heard the word of the christian god at some point in their lives. so then, millions of christians believe that the ultimate god would look at a person who grew up in an entirely islamic region, where every person around her is a follower of islam and all of her influences are islamic, but because she is informed about christianity, when she dies she's going to hell? well, if you're a christian (and you believe in the bible) then that's exactly what you believe.

then there's the issue of jesus christ. and to be honest, i don't know exactly how i feel about this and it's something i am constantly asking myself and trying to figure out. on one hand, my logical and educated side tells me to look at bible stories and take lessons from them and learn from them metaphorically, as many scholars believe should be done. but the side of me that has spent most of her life in church wants to believe the fairytale.

one thing that has lasted all of these years is the fear of death. it's the same fear that i've had since i was a child, saying prayers when i couldn't fall asleep because i was afraid. and this isn't fear of pain or even fear of death itself, it's the fear of hell. and even as an intelligent woman today, i still fear hell. even now when i'm quite confident in many of my spiritual views, that is one fear left over from childhood that i cannot shake. sometimes it will happen monthly, sometimes weekly, sometimes in the middle of the day, sometimes in a movie theater, sometimes when i'm alone, sometimes when i'm with others, but mostly at night when i'm trying to fall asleep. i will get the most intense and surreal pain in my chest, and fear literally overtakes my entire body. my chest will burn and it will be so heavy i feel as if my lungs will collapse into themselves. and even as this is happening, i tell myself how silly i'm being and i tell myself to grow up. but when it happens, i can't get rid of the image of hell and i'll just lie down and be scared out of my mind of dying and going to hell. and i'll simply lie there. i lie there, my body full of pain and i can't stop the tears from flowing because i just want it to be over. it always ends eventually, but it never ends soon enough. it's so utterly specific is what kills me. even now as i'm writing this i feel silly and ashamed and embarrassed, because of how real this fear is. and the next day i can't help but feel bitterness towards some of the churches i've grown up in who put these narrow minded views into young children and teach them such a vulnerable fear at this young age.




if the god that i believe exists, one who looks at the soul and moral value and the virtues a human has, then he won't care if i got a few details wrong. if there is a god, and he knows me inside and out, then he knows that i'm seeking answers straight from the source, and i refuse to blindly believe any book that a human being pasted together. god wouldn't care what "religion" you followed, he would care if you loved the people around you, if you cared for them, if you worked towards a better world, if you encouraged peace, if you were considerate and kind to others. god would not want religious wars. god would not want people to judge others. god would not want laws to keep people into little cookie cutter shapes because someone took a few bible verses literally. god would not want hatred. god would not want segregation. god would not want what we have today.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



everything about newspaper! they way the feel and smell, especially.

going to san francisco this winter break! i can't wait.

only three more weeks of school.

only three more days of transfer applications.

i love life, it's swell.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i'll never know why i find the silliest things so hilarious



TURKEY PICK-UP LINES

1. Is that a meat thermometer or are you glad to see me?

2. Heaven must be missing a peacock because you’re here with me.

3. You make my waddle wobble.

4. I’m the tom. You’re the bomb.

5. Got any plans for Thanksgiving dinner?

6. Are those breasts real?

7. Red, white or cranberry?

8. I could lose my head over a gal like you.

9. We’re both ugly but it’s last call. What d’ya say?

10. Wanna get stuffed?

Monday, November 16, 2009

notes in a book.



i almost ran into k at a play i saw at monte vista this weekend. brittany and brian were there with me, but i couldn't keep my heart from racing and my mind from wandering around in rapid circles. it's amazing how one person could have effected your life so negatively that years later you'd be this worried over running into them. i couldn't help but go through scenarios in my head, and an large portion of them ended with me in tears. just the possibility of running into her almost gave me a panic attack. that is ridiculous. sometimes, i wish that as human beings we could detach our emotions from people completely once they've betrayed us. she's the only person in my entire life that has abandoned and deceived me beyond chance of repair.

this weekend has all blurred together. it was the best weekend i've had in a terribly long time, but now i have to get back to work. only two more weeks before transfer applications are in and only four more weeks of the semester left.

don't let the first paragraph fool you, i've still been quite well lately. i've still be waking up with thoughts of possibilities on my mind and dreaming more often than ever. the fresh faces are keeping my spirits up, and the old faces are keeping my feet on the ground.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



not having to think of a blog title for these TiLT posts

changing my mindset, choosing happiness, choosing independence from negative emotions

listening to high people try to conversate with you (MATT!)

listening to drunk people think they're making sense when they're not (GRAYSON!)

waking up to sunshine warming your face

laughing until your cheeks hurt

seeing different (and wonderful!) sides to people

taking a nap with three dogs and a cat on the bed with you

counseling appointments in which your counselor says your chances of getting into ____ are very good (!!!)

good coats that keep you safe from deathly cold wind

girl talk and other amazing mix artists

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Fort Hood

For those of you that don't know, last Thursday there was a shooting at Fort Hood that left 13 dead and 42 wounded. This was done by a man that was working as a psychiatrist, but had been wanting to get out of the military from some time, says his family. However, he found out he was going to be deployed. No one knows exactly why he did it or what the circumstances were the led to this. The instant they said his name - Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan - I knew this would get ugly. In this country, you cannot have anyone of Middle Eastern (Palestinian in his case) descent do something of this nature and not have everyone look directly to his culture and his faith to blame for it.

There was an investigation and rumors were flying when there was some recovered e-mails in correspondence with some terrorist organizations. The FBI concluded that everything that they found was in coordinance with his research that the military knew he was conducting. Of course, few like to mention that in there reports, and unfortunately many are still under the assumptions that this was some sort of terrorist attack.

So, to hear Barack Obama's speech that he gave at Fort Hood today was not only disappointing, but angering. The excerpt that I'm referring to is below:

"It may be hard to comprehend the twisted logic that led to this tragedy. But this much we do know - no faith justifies these murderous and craven acts; no just and loving God looks upon them with favor. And for what he has done, we know that the killer will be met with justice - in this world, and the next."

I could not believe my ears. Barack Obama has stood out for how understanding he is to different faiths and different cultures; he has done his research before making assumptions and he has consistently stayed fair when speaking and dealing with other nations. So, what exactly led him to say these words, I have no idea.

First of all, Obama is the president of the United States. He is not a pastor leading a funeral for these soldiers who have died, he is not their parents, he is not simply a concerned citizen. He is THE PRESIDENT. He has no place to make such extreme remarks about the largest growing religion in the world, especially ones that are so biased and uncalled for. Not only is it inappropriate, because he is such a huge political figure, but as a human being in general, he has no right to speak on behalf of an entire religion not to mention GOD, for goodness' sake. If an Islam political figure with as much power as Obama spoke of the actions some Christians have made, and then went as far as to say that their afterlife will "be met with justice," is absurd. Obama should recognize the degree of power and weight behind his words, and not be so judgemental when looking upon other religions. I can't help but feel that the only reason he would use such harsh words, is because it's what the audience wanted to hear. They wanted to be angry. They wanted a reason for all of this. They wanted someone to blame. And we all know that there's no easier finger to point in this country, than a finger pointing at the Middle East or anyone associated with it.

And all of this is not to mention that NO evidence has proven that this was religiously driven on Hasan's part. All that these few sentences have done is to drive the United States anti-Muslim ideals even further, when the majority of Americans don't even know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite.



The rest of the speech was beautiful, understanding, respectful and encouraging. It was eloquent as always, and everyone regards it as yet another Obama worthy speech. But this, this just makes me furious.

Monday, November 9, 2009

it's official



happiness is inevitable the moment you stop worrying about things that you can't change, and start appreciating what you can change.

good things this weekend: buca di beppo's with all of chris' family, extra cuddling time, having a day off of work (finally!), spending time with brittany, night light pictures, denny's milkshakes, shopping with dad, finally finding a faux leather jacket, sisco and i turning bussing a table into the most sarcastic event possible, soccer games and all of the ridiculous side comments, coworker conversations, spending way too long in becca's car, getting lots of sleep, so many good things. so many reasons to be happy this weekend.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



sunshine waking you up

fuzzy socks

counting my blessings

avocados

political debates

good morning texts

cuddling for warmth

knitted tights

mashed sweet potatoes

full body hugs

jogging in cold weather

receiving unexpected compliments

giving unexpected compliments

possibly going out of country with jordan this summer
(my excitement for even the possibility = !!!!!!!!!!)

conversations with strangers

24 hour anything

catching up with old friends

high fives

good suggestions

giving helpful directions

childhood memories

transfer applications finally being open

being confident in my future

planning days of adventures

adventures with no plans whatsoever

picturesque sunsets

ninja

loooove

lovelovelovelove




i'm so in love with life lately.
i don't know what's gotten into me, but it's superb.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

i'm sick of blog titles.



i feel like this last week was so utterly necessary for me. while the actual decisions i made may have been small, what they represent are so much bigger. and now there's this renewed sense of hope and happiness and reason to wake up with a smile than there was just seven days ago.

of course, as there always is, people try to make the situation more dramatic than it is. but to me this was just a simple decision that had to be made. and now that's it's made and over with, i'm keeping my head up and waiting for the next steps to reveal themselves.




by the way - have i mentioned how unbelievably thankful i am? this is what i'm most set on remembering this week. i have the most amazing and loyal friends, plus all of these new and interesting people that are becoming a part of my everyday life. school and work are going smoothly, although making me awfully busy, and i know that school is going to end just perfectly, it's just a matter of getting it all done. and i don't know if i express this enough, but i have the most wonderful, handsome, intelligent, sweet, generous, understanding, sexy, kind, and loving boyfriend; sometimes i don't understand how i got so lucky. it's a shame having to witness so many of my friends in relationships that seem to give them more headaches than happiness, but at the same time it helps to remind me daily how blessed i am to have chris. being in love after almost three years (!!!) is so beautiful.

Twelve Types of Guys

"1. MR. FOREIGN GUY

Advantages
a. He comes from a faraway exotic country
b. Fun and exciting or a unique way of seeing the world
c. mysterious je ne sais quoi that allures you
d. Has your back, will fight and protect you
e. his accent

Disadvantages
a. Usually drinks and smokes too much
b. Won’t be around for that long
c. Foreign men are very demanding, it’s in their nature; they are best left to deal with foreign women.
d. his accent


2. MR. SOCIAL BUM

Advantages
a. He’s always the life of the party
b. You’ll laugh a lot and learn how to go with the flow and let things slide
c. He will always make you laugh
d. He’s spontaneous and you’ll never get bored

Disadvantages
a. He loves to be the center of attention
b. He has to be at every single party
c. When you meet, he tells you of his goals in life and the steps he’s taking to achieve them. But several months pass, and he’s still on the exact same step as when you met him
d. You stay in the relationship longer and then find out he’s actually Mr. My Name Is Dick, I Am Unemployed and I Live with My Parents.

3. MR. METRO

Advantages
a. Can get you and your friends on the guest list at all the parties and all the hookups
b. He’s spontaneous and lives for the moment
c. He dresses nice all the time with perfect hair
d. He knows how to look good in pictures

Disadvantages
a. You don’t know if he`s gay, straight or bi
b. Seems flighty when you speak of a solid commitment, they’re not interested in you, except for what you provide for them.
c. He’s unable to compliment you because he’s too busy asking how he looks
d. Women first discovered their reflection in Roman times by looking in the still water of a pond, thus we lay our claim to the mirror. Mirrors are for women

4. MR. BOSS

Advantages
a. He looks like he came out of a GQ magazine
b. He has a lifetime of experience to share which will likely keep you on your toes
c. He is assertive in public, and gives off an aura of power and control
d. He’ll show you how to see life in a different way

Disadvantages
a. He has a huge ego and he’s condescending.
b. He’s used to bossing people around, and you’re not an exception
d. He comes home at 3:00 am and says he was out with his company
e. He probably has a crazy ex-wife, and two kids of whom he’s trying to get custody - but she won’t let them go, not because she loves them, but because they’re her controlling force to make his life miserable for not wanting her.

5. MR. FIX IT

Advantages
a. Everything breaks, and he’s there to fix it
b. He comes in every shape, size and educational background
c. He always has to stay busy. They are inherently hard workers.
d. He is responsible, organized, and loyal.

Disadvantages
a. His favorite pastime is correcting you
b. Their favorite saying is, “Well, that’s not how I would do it.”
c. You try living with someone who always thinks he’s right! And the real sick part is 99 times out of 100, he is.
d. When or if he runs out of things to fix in his own life, he tends to poke around in the lives of others to pull out his “tool kit”

6. MR. WOMANIZER/CASANOVA

Advantages
a. He will take you out in the beginning and charm you like no other
b. Constantly brings you flowers and chocolate and lighting candles during dinner
c. Compliments you all the time
d. He is a pro at wining and dining.

Disadvantages
a. Once he attaches himself, flattery and humor can be used to manipulate
b. When you try to tell others what you’re experiencing later on, they often don’t believe “such a great guy” could do such a bad thing
c. Once you catch on to his charming fa├žade, it can be maddening to see him charm the pants off of others.
d. These men are a lot like fast food; they are convenient and tasty at first but you can’t have a steady diet of them.

7. MR. TOO NICE

Advantages
a. He holds open the door for you, pulls out your chair, and treats you like a queen
b. He always asks you out with reasonable notice and picks you up at your door
c. He will do anything for you, literally.
d. He’s extremely attentive, catering to your every need and desire

Disadvantages
a. He’s too predictable and has no opinion, everything you say he has to agree with.
b. He’s too passive
c. He won’t stay a nice guy forever; if he gets hurt by a man-eater, he’ll resort to becoming #10

8. MR. INTELLECTUAL

Advantages
a. He instigates conversations that are intellectually stimulating and listens to what you have to say in response
b. He makes you laugh with his clever sense of humor
c. These men have money or prestige or power, or all three, which makes them look very good from the outside

Disadvantages
a. He tends to use mind games as tools of control that go completely unnoticed by others, who are too busy admiring his new car
b. Usually intellectual men are judgmental and see if you can match up to them
c. When he takes a woman out, he makes her feel like she’s in debate class rather than on a date

9. MR. ROMANTIC

Advantages
a. When you meet, everything about him makes you swoon
b. He’s just the kind of man you’d love to flaunt, making all your girlfriends, and even the girls you don’t know, jealous. And you get treated like a princess
c. He’s everything you could hope for in a man

Disadvantages
a. They will come on strong but lose momentum in the long haul as the reality of a relationship sets in
b. You always feel like you’re competing for his attention with everyone else.
c. He’s always on the lookout for a better catch.
d. As soon as things become rocky, he jets.

10. MR. BAD BOY

Advantages
a. Will tell you the truth - that you`re not the only one
b. Goes where the wind takes him, and the wind usually takes him on some kind of awesome adventure
c. The bad boy spirit adds an element of youthfulness to the relationship and you’ll love to try taming him - although you knows you’ll never actually succeed.
d. Every woman wants a bit of a rebel (within reason, of course)

Disadvantages
a. He doesn`t acknowledge you in public, especially if there’s women around
b. Generally he is a punk (won`t stand up for anything)
c. They contradict themselves in the same sentence, and characteristically have an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility that’s hidden under the guises of innocence
d. He will habitually send mixed messages in order to string you along.

11. MR. BEST FRIEND

Advantages
a. He`s your best friend, you tell each other everything; you get along very, very well
b. He’ll give you advice when you and your man are having problems and fights
c. He’s genuinely glad to see you and interested in hearing about your day.
d. Sweet and caring with a good sense of humor

Disadvantages
a. You don’t want to ruin such a great friendship so you don’t even attempt anything
b. If you end up finding out that he likes you, things become awkward for you both.

12. MR. RIGHT

Advantages
a. He’s handsome and intelligent.
b. He is intellectual, brilliant, and capable of taking you there mentally and emotionally
c. He will love you even when you are not lovable
d. He says all the right things at all the right times.
e. He acknowledges his faults and strives to be a better man
f. He understands a relationship is built on a 200% quota - 100% him and 100% you
g. He’s the kind of man who appreciates you, even for the little things.
h. He is a true best friend and everything you ever wanted in a man
i. He’ll buy you flowers and sentimental cards, just because.
j. He can dress - knows the difference between formal, semi-formal, professional, business casual, casual
h. He loves his mother

Disadvantages
a. Only found in old school Disney movies"

Saturday, October 31, 2009

four common characteristics that people claim to have, but actually don't have a wee bit of



there are four characteristics that are extremely common to post on your myspace/facebook/blogs etc. the reason i always note in my mind that these four occur so frequently, is because they're characteristics that i, too, consider true to myself. therefore, when these are some of the most commonly boasted traits, it irritates me when the person actually has no trace of that in them, whatsoever.

1.) honesty.

whether they're listing what they find most important in a relationship or in a friendship or in themselves, people love to throw this word around. maybe it's because authors and writers love to toss honesty into the "most important traits you can have in your relationship" articles featured in cosmo, or maybe it's because people have honesty dillusioned themselves to believe they are an honest person. the reason this particularly frustrates me, is because i've met so many people who love to fill sentences explaining how important honesty is to them, yet when i reveal the honest side of myself, they instantly get their feelings hurt or can't believe i was "that" honest. also: along with honesty should be gossip. everyone gossips, damnit. if you claim that you don't, then you are a liar and you should never, ever attach the word honesty to yourself, because you're doing a disservice to the value. so, if you gossip and you're then confronted about it, don't lie or try to cover it up, and then edit your myspace profile to let everyone know that honesty is your top priority. i have a message for you: bull. shit. HONESTLY, people, you need to pick a side and stick to it.

note: along with this is the idea of hating "fakers" and loving people who are "real with themselves" and all of those jolly ideas. i was deciding whether this should be its own characteristics, but assumed that the readers of this are smart enough to realize they go together quite nicely.

2.) spirituality.

at some point, it became popular to say that you were "spiritual," but not "religious." though, will someone please explain to me how someone calls themselves spiritual, yet never prays or talks about or ponders over or discusses or focuses on anything remotely spiritual?

3.) not liking girls

girls absolutely LOVE to say that they "don't get along with girls" or "only really have guy friends" or "really just prefer guys over girls." i literally hear these things all the time. but, when you actually look at the girls who say these things, not only are most of their best and regular friends women, but they're also the types of females who have those typical "girly" traits that they constantly talk about hating, i.e. bitchiness, starting drama, talking too much, gossiping, the list goes on. as made obvious by my previous post listing the reasons i don't like most females, many people hear me say the above comments. but, i feel like i'm allowed to make those statements seeing as out of the 20 people i hang out with most frequently, only 3 or 4 of them are girls. hence, the statement actually makes sense.

4.) giving/generosity/motivated to change the world/etc.

this one by far annoys me more than any other, for obvious reasons. i've felt for years that i simply can't live my life and expect to be happy, unless i make my main focus in life actively improving the lives of others, in particular, those in developing countries who unfortunately, aren't truely given a voice. so it absoutely infuriates me when these silly teenagers, who are too greedy to give a homeless man a dollar, preach about rich people being selfish with their money. don't get me wrong, i think there are many rich people who are too selfish with their money, but unless you're in a significantly large financial problem, there's no reason that you, yourself, can be greedy and get away with it.

Friday, October 30, 2009

i could be on a plane in one hour



the gypsy in me always pulls at my heart strings whenever i see a plane in the sky. every time i see beautiful pictures of lands i could search and explore, or enchanting portraits of people i'd die to meet. i haven't been out of the country in three years. i don't know how i've lasted this long.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



making my own monthly calendars and filling it every day. it makes my life feel so scheduled and controlled and it's empowering. when i see it all in front of me i realize that i can finish it all and still have time to breathe occasionally.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

two complain-y blogs in one week. sorry about that.



while my room can get quite messy, one of my favorite things in the world is organizing. and i mean organizing just about anything and everything. i love going through drawers that look like a tornado just hit them and then renovating them to look beautiful and color coordinated and all that jazz. both a good and bad habit that i have always possessed is the need to constantly get rid of things if i feel they don't serve me an immediate purpose. now, this can be a good thing for the obvious reasons of maintaining a low level of material items and that helps keep my mind clear. however, it's can be bothersome because it's rather often that i'll be looking for something only to remember i've gotten rid of it.

this only slightly relates to what has really been on my mind.

i feel like i need to go through every nook and cranny of my life and throw out all of the junk and all of the clutter, and only keep the essentials. at this point, it's less than one year from now and i'll be out of here and i don't want to waste my time with things and events and people that i won't look back on and be glad i invested my time there.

lately there's been a lot of new changes in my life, and i feel like i need to really sit down and evaluate who's going to be there for me in the long run. i hate wasting time. i absolutely hate it. this is what causes me to be a terribly fast walker. and i know for certain that there's a handful of my friendships that wouldn't exist if i didn't put such a large amount of effort into them, and this has only been proven by the fact that i'm losing touch with a lot of people these last few months when i've been relying on other people to share the initiative in the friendships. so, maybe this means some hurt feelings and maybe it means being a little bit selfish in the end. but being generous with my time has led me to some pretty disastrous situations these last few years, so i feel like i'm allowed to look out for my own self-interest these last nine or so months before i leave.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

oh, it is love



Infatuation: loving feelings towards a love object that are largely based upon fantasy and idealization (instead of experience). Often when partners get to know each other, infatuation diminishes.
Romantic Love: An abiding love for a partner with whom you feel passion, attraction, caring and respect.
Eros: a passionate love usually involving sexual feelings for a love interest.
Companionate Love: feelings of warmth towards a friend with whom you love to spend time with.
Unconditional Love: A type of affection and caring that is so strong that you feel it consistently, regardless of what that other person does.
Conditional Love: A love that requires specific action or conditions in order to be maintained. For example, at its extreme, a parent who gives very conditional love would only love his child when he gets straight A’s, becomes a surgeon and has two children. The love is based on outside conditions and when they do not occur, the love is withdrawn.
Puppy Love: A childish, innocent temporary crush on someone that you don’t know well.
Maternal Love: This term usually connotes love that is nurturing, accepting and protective. In actuality this love can also be given by a father etc.
Paternal Love: This term connotes love that involves guidance and some authority. Paternal love usually prepares a child to be ready for the outside world. Again, in reality this type of love is not gender specific.
Soulmate Love:This type of love is described as a love that has survived multiple life times. Not everyone believes in this concept.
Spiritual/Divine Love: This type of love recognizes the Divine light in everyone and everything. Love is given to everyone as an act of loving God.
Love of your country or patriotism: This is love for the place you live or the place that were born. It is a type of loyalty and a special feeling of belonging that you attribute to that specific geographic location.
Self-Love: This is a positive feeling that you have about who you are and what you deserve. It often is expressed by treating yourself well, respecting yourself, wanting yourself to be happy and expecting others to respect you too.
Brotherly Love: This term connotes having a feeling of love for your neighbor, because all humanity is considered to be part of a larger family of human beings.
Tough Love: This term is used to describe a love that is expressed by setting boundaries for the good of the other person. So for example, a parent may send their teenager to rehab if he is drug addicted, even if he does not want to go. They feel that this is an act of love because it stems from a desire for their son’s ultimate good and happiness.

via thelovelybones

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Saturday, October 24, 2009

sadness is a whore.



i've felt terribly sad tonight. not even pictures or my cat can cheer me up and that is definitely not a good sign. sometimes when i'm busy i force my emotions down, down, down so that they won't get in the way of life, and then when i find a second to breathe i can't even do that, because i'm being choked by my misery. perhaps a hot bath and glee will make it better.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



ridiculous pictures found on the internet that brighten your day.

star wars. i mean really, can you get any better than star wars?

missing class to pick up a few extra hours of sleep.

hanging out at silly, trendy cafes until obscene hours of the night.

noosh! noosh is an amazing denny's waitress who steals your heart immediately after meeting her. i love noosh. noosh is swell.

not a typical blog, but what the heck.



15 Star Wars Masturbation Euphemisms

Shooting Womprats in Beggar’s Canyon

Grooming the Wookie

Making the Kessel Run

Polishing Vader’s Helmet

Evacuating Tatooine

Unsheathing the Meatsaber

Releasing the Special Edition

Jumping to Delight Speed

Communicating with Red Leader One

Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo

Tinkering With the R2 Unit

Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and the Number 1 “Star Wars” Euphemism for Masturbation…

Test Firing the Death Star

Monday, October 19, 2009

perfect happiness sounds nice.


via ffffound

it's rare that i stumble upon a survey that goes beyond surface questions such as "when was the last time you were kissed" but this one is quite lovely. this one was stolen from carlos

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? every human being in the world suddenly realizing that everything we need can be found and realized if only we would put the needs of others before our own wants.

2. What is your greatest fear? leaving the world before i'm ready, or before i've made a difference.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? judging people before they deserve to be judged.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? selfishness makes me want to vomit.

5. Which living person do you most admire? people that are living difficult lives, but they choose to work towards making others lives better anyways.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? clothing.

7. What is your current state of mind? quite busy. it's working at a hundred miles a minute right now.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? tact. it's just an excuse for people to sugarcoat the truth.

9. On what occasion do you lie? when it will make the situation between myself and the person i'm lying to notably better.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? my jew nose. it's always been something i've been extremely self-conscious about, and i'm just praying i'll grow out of that sheepishness about it.

11. Which living person do you most despise? truthfully, some of the major conservative public figures who don't have a seed of truth in them.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? love and selflessness.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? love and selflessness.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? uhm, like, okay, good.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? chris so far is the only person who's been there for me without fail since i've met him. i also have a deep place in my heart for literature, matt, jordan and rescue workers.

16. When and where were you happiest? the first years and recent years. the middle years weren't so great.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? i would love to be able to draw or sing really well.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? to have the talents in #17 or to not have to sleep ever.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? it's hard to say at this point. i'm most proud of my relationship and my academic life, at this point in my life, though.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? it'd be nice to be born as a human with more convenient circumstances, but besides that i'm fine with where i am now.

21. Where would you most like to live? there's an infinite number of places i'm drawn to, but i'd love to spend my life in south america.

22. What is your most treasured possession? i honestly don't have one. there's really nothing that could be taken away from me that i would be that upset about.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? feeling like there's no way to get back to happiness, feeling like everything around you has turned to black.

24. What is your favorite occupation? my only occupations so far have been selling children's clothing and serving elderly folks' food, soooo i don't think i can make an educated decision here.

25. What is your most marked characteristic? my mom says its my bitchy sarcastic sense of humor, and i'd have to agree with her.

26. What do you most value in your friends? they absolutely cannot be easily offended. that is extremely important if you're going to be my friend.

27. Who are your favorite writers? Jeffrey Eugenides, Chuck Palanhiuk, Khaled Hosseini and Jonathan Safran Foer.

28. Who is your hero of fiction? batman is amazing.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? this list would be all too long.

30. Who are your heroes in real life? people who work hard and live difficult lives to help others and receive little of monetary value in return. there's a pattern happening here.

31. What are your favorite names? working at a retirement home, i've found i really like old fashioned names. they have a lot more character than those of this generation.

32. What is it that you most dislike? it's hard for me to be around people who can't have a real conversation outside of how their day was and gossip about friends.

33. What is your greatest regret? i don't have any major regrets. i wish that kourtnie was never a part of my life. i wish that i had given people more time than i gave them. i wish i gave more compliments. i wish my mom never changed. i wish i took more math classes.

34. How would you like to die? extremely happy and haven used more money and time to people that need it than on myself.

35. What is your motto? i don't have a motto, but i think love for other people should be the center and focus of every person's life. the world would be an amazing place if that's how everyone lived.

guilty pleasure?



the olsen sisters.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

it happens every time


whenever i come across a period of extreme busyness*, terrible things happen. i become ridiculously efficient, but i have to give up sleeping, eating normal foods, recreational reading and any social life i still have. this is my life right now. i feel like i need an extra week snuck in just for me and my pitiful little problems.




*i never had to spell this word before, but it looks extremely strange to me. though, for obvious reasons, business wouldn't be the correct spelling of the word.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

why i dislike an extremely large majority of females*:



most of them are boring. if they're not gossiping about other girls they know, it seems that most of them couldn't come up with an interesting thought to save their lives. they talk about who's dating who, omgzz how hawt some new stupid movie star is, or sit and complain. it is extremely rare for me to engage in a conversation with another girl and not want to shoot myself in the face.

most of them don't understand sarcasm. although, i must admit that this sometimes works in my favor. sometimes it seems as if it is crystal clear that i am not remotely enjoying another girls company, but they don't understand it whatsoever through my sarcastic comments. then again, it often works against me, because this means that a lot of them get their feelings hurt when i make a joke that wasn't meant to offend them, but don't get the hint when i make comments that ARE supposed to make them want to leave.

most of them talk too much. god, i swear i've never seen some of them with their mouths closed before. is it really necessary to hear the sound of your own voice 24/7?

most of them are annoying. self-explanatory.

most of them don't know how to have a good time. it seems that they're always worried about what someone will think of them, or if people are going to think it's wrong or stupid, or if they'll run into someone, or if they're going to get in trouble, or get their clothes dirty or BLAHBLAHBLAH. they always have some excuse to explain why they're not having a good time, but it never occurs to them that maybe it's their fault.

most of them really aren't very funny. it's very uncommon for me to meet a girl who actually has a unique or interesting sense of humor.

most of them are whiny. again, this should be self-explanatory. sometimes it seems as if it's their goal to find a problem with every single thing they come across in life.

most of them are overly self-conscious. i mean, god, who cares what people think about you? i can't count how many times i've heard friends say they won't do ___ or ___ because "omgg there's too many people around" or "i'll look stupid" or BLAHBLAHBLAH. get over it.

most of them are clingy. they can't stand if you hang out with someone else, or get new friends. they have to be the center of your life, or they instantly get their feelings hurt. they're always over analyzing simple situations to convince themselves you don't like them anymore.





*note: i openly admit that some of these common female vices i have, also.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

so easy to forget



sometimes i have to remind myself that this is just life, and maybe it isn't meant to be taken so seriously.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

toasty


when i'm around you i'm predictable



what is it about theater kids that automatically make them such wonderful company for me? i've made a few new friends recently and gotten in touch with a handful of old friends. it feels wonderful.

Monday, October 5, 2009

october



it's finally beginning to feel like fall, and i'm finally starting to think this year will be better than i'd thought.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

sunshine gleaming



sometimes i feel like i'm an outsider, looking into a world where only the beautiful people live.

Friday, October 2, 2009

butternut squash



for fall, i want nonstop clouds and sweater weather, pumpkin candles lighting up rooms, hot showers and big poofy robes, extra blankets and structured jackets, falling leaves and autumn colors, yummy food and the smell of baking, arts and crafts, buying books and extra reading time. this fall, i want it all. i want to share and spread smiles and happiness and home made gifts and constant adventures.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

peculiar feelings



i've been having very strange feelings. at least, feelings i'm not used to having. warning: this is very irrelevant to anyone but myself, but i suppose that's what blogs are technically for nowadays, right?

today i was sick and spent the entire day studying for an econ test (which i STILL ended up receiving a B- on!) and literally had no social interaction whatsoever until chris came over at 10:30 at night. though, i must admit i actually quite enjoyed it. it was so nice to just worry about myself and what i needed to get done.

i've really had no motivation whatsoever to initiate social outings. mostly it's just the constant pressure of others - expecting me to always be the one who gets everyone together. it's this odd expectation that people have always put on me, that when i do something with one person, i'm supposed to invite everyone, however other people don't have to invite me when they make individual plans. who knows. it hasn't bothered me for a while, but lately people have been giving me complaints about it, as if it's my fault and that doesn't fly too well with me.

chris and i joined the model united nations at grossmont and i am so utterly thrilled about it! this is the first time i've been excited about some academic since ap stats. there's a conference in las vegas this semester, and next semester we might possibly maybe actually get to go to new york city and sit in the actual united nations chairs for our conference. that is so absurd and amazing and so exactly what i need to get me through this year.

other than that, everything is just okay. it's strange because for the last few months at work i feel like i can say i'm actually 100% over any holding back of my personality i had when i began working there, but right when i'm actually hanging out with la vida folks outside of work and building stronger relationships with the residents, i feel as if it's my time to leave. this is just not a job i intended to have for more than a year, and it's already been a year and a quarter! yikes.

family life has been sub par. i won't get into it, but it's definitely an extra motivation for making sure i stay on track and get this year over with, so i can be out of the house by next fall. is it sad, or somewhat pathetic that i'll be most sad about leaving ninja behind?

that's all for today.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

mount helix.



the other day chris retaught me a song on the guitar that i had taught myself a while back. it was extremely brief, but it really made me want to get my creative juices flowing. maybe i'll pick up the piano again. i've recently been more active in a journal just writing, collaging, working with pictures and the like. now that i've taken theater out of my life altogether (besides the occasional trip to see a show) i need another outlet.

Monday, September 21, 2009

ten rules for being human



"1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. There is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this."

where the party at, man?!



sometimes i feel like the only things everyone my age care about are where they're going to hang out tomorrow, when the next party is or how to cheat their way out of an assignment. i just can't relate to this complete disregard for the future, and i want to have more people in my life that feel the same way.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

why do comments hold such value?



it's strange to me that this random picture i took looking notably crack-whore-esque gets so much feedback from the online world.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Things I Love Thursday



(above) giving tony his second driving lesson ever in my car! this time with francisco and becca as the victims in the backseat.

miley cyrus songs that are actually quite catchy!

going to cici's pizza for the first time in california.

taking cheesy, horrible pictures of myself and plastering them on the internet.

dancing absurdly awful in the car when i'm at a stop light and people are watching.

seeing them smile while they're watching! i'm fine with making a fool out of myself for someone else's smile.

writing 9.5 pages in three hours!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

the early bird gets the worm? a penny saved is a penny earned?



i know i've found people i can really call my true friends when all of those cliche images have become amazingly real and vibrant right in front of your eyes. the ones that you've seen in one million movies, happening to one million different actors.

you know the ones...
the group of youngsters sitting around laughing until their sides hurt and their eyes tear at the sides;
singing along to the car radio loud and proud, even with shrieks and awful high notes and dance moves meant for the 90's mixed in;
crying on each others shoulders and looking disgusting but still pouring your guts out despite the trails of snot and tears flowing down below your chin;
they may not be perfect, they may not be picturesque, but it's such a lovely reality that i wouldn't ask for anything more or less.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

bear with me


in only four months chris and i will have been dating for three years. there wasn't any particular date or event that made me think of it today. it's such insanity, in the very best way. sure, people make fun of us for acting like an old couple, but that's perfectly okay with me.

Friday, September 4, 2009

made a decision.

sometimes it takes a philosophical discussion with some of your good friends sitting outside of a hookah bar to realize that life is going to be good. no matter what happens, no matter where we end up, no matter who hurts us, no matter who we hurt, no matter what brings us down or brings us back up again - it's going to be good.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

365 days.

as i sit in my living room, dreading the coming of another shift at work, i can't help my let my imagination explore. perhaps it's the heat which has turned a room for living into a room for cooking living bodies, but these last few weeks have taken all of my spare minutes for the same thing: trying to get this year to pass as quickly as possible.

maybe it's my classes, where most other students are simply filling up a seat while texting on their phones and turning their minds completely. maybe it's la vida, which i know will help my future career and goals in no way, yet i have to stay there to make a paycheck. maybe it's living at home, ending my days wishing i was anywhere else.

my imagination will not wander towards anything else: all i can think about is one year from now. what i'll be learning, what i'll be doing, who i'll be meeting, the new areas i'll get to explore are all i'm hoping for.

Monday, August 31, 2009

i've recently learned


that the chances of moving out are greatly improved as of some recent news.

it makes me giddy and foolishly optimistic.


also, my mind has been back on berkeley. maybe i'll expand on this later. maybe, maybe, maybe.


i feel like i used to be able to write and write and never stop, but lately i just don't have enough words. instead, i've been using a scrapbook where i don't have to use words to express how i feel. it's been nice. i wish i could tell everyone how i feel by scraps of colors and fabrics and images.